FADE IN

The camera pans in on a dark night and a glowing, large campfire with several hooded figures sitting around it. An ominous wind is howling. The fire glows brighter, and then settles down to a low simmer, as the assembled crowd 'oohs' appreciatively.

A hooded figure, obviously the leader since he did not seem impressed by the fire, stands and dramatically flips his hood back. We see that he is only a common thug, looking a little worse for wear.

THUG LEADER:
     Welcome. This session of Hatred and Personal Vengeance Addicts Anonymous is now open. We have several new members tonight, if they would like to share?

The camera pans back around the circle as hooded figures turn towards one another. Finally, a lone figure rises shakily and pulls off the hood of his cloak. It is a young man, with long, slightly flowing blonde hair and a nasty scar on his right lip.

YOUNG THUG (nervously):
     Hi, uh, I'm Deik--

ASSEMBLED CROWD (monotone):
     Hi, Deik.

DEIK (blushing):
     Uh, yeah... I'm Deik and I have an intense hatred of Gabrielle, the "battling bard." I have just (he gives a long sigh and looks about to tear up) --I've always felt that I could have been in her position, y'know? Xena saved my village once, rescued me and a bunch of others, and I just can't help but think (wistfully) if I'd been a young village maiden, she would have taken me off on all those adventures, fighting all those big strong men... But no, there's always been (spits the name out) Gabrielle. What's wrong with me? (Breaks down into tears) What's wrong with me?

The camera moves in for a close-up of Deik's tearful face, and then pans back out to the crowd, who stand stock still for a moment, before applauding.

CROWD (with a few 'I know how it is, man's' thrown in):
     Thank you for sharing, Deik.

The hooded figures immediately next to Deik help him to sit down, when we hear another voice speak up.

WOMAN'S VOICE (off-camera):
     I'm Nell the Nasty (rushes on before the crowd can interrupt her), and I want vengeance against Deik's precious Xena. She crippled my soul when I was just a child, and she never paid for her crime! (Sniffles) She didn't even remember what she'd done to me!

The camera focuses on Nell the Nasty, looking just as psychotic as ever.

The crowd erupts in agreement.

MEMBER #1:
     That Banshee!!

MEMBER #2:
     I know how you feel--sing it, woman!

MEMBER #3:
     Let's get 'er!

THUG LEADER (raising his voice above the general ruckus of the crowd):
     QUIET! Please! (it quiets down quickly) Now, I know that many of you have specific anger towards Xena and Gabrielle, but this is a peaceful group. We're here to support our members, help them deal with their unrequited hatred, not to encourage them to rash acts. (To Nell the Nasty) Thank you for sharing, Nell the Nasty. (to the group) Would anyone with a grudge against another source like to come forward?

After a few moments, the camera circling the crowd, two hooded figures rise. They remove their hoods and we see that it is Greba and Gascar.

GREBA (tentatively):
     Hi. I'm Greba, and this is Gascar.

CROWD (dutifully):
     Hi, Greba, Gascar.

GREBA (warming under all the attention):
     Although we certainly have our bones to pick with that Xena (mutters under her breath) teach her to steal my-- (at Gascar's look, hastily raises her voice), our greatest desire is the utter destruction of-- (pauses dramatically)

DEIK (pipes up):
     Gabrielle?

THUG LEADER:
     Shh! Don't interrupt, Deik.

GREBA:
     --Autolycus, the "King of Thieves." He stole our money and ruined our warlord racket. (Whining) It's just not fair!

CROWD (nervously glancing at the leader before replying):
     Thank you for sharing, Greba.

The two are about to sit down and make way for the other thugs and warlords to step up and share. Suddenly, Gascar stands up straight, waving his good arm for the attention of the group, which has already turned away.

GASCAR:
     Listen to me! This twelve-step stuff isn't for us! We're men and women of action--determination--hatred. If anybody wants to get some satisfaction--Xena, Gabrielle, and Autolycus are all going to be in Tiryns for (mock-sweet) a wedding. Anyone who wants vengeance, come with us. We'll make sure it's a wedding nobody will ever forget.

Gascar attempts an evil cackle, but it's drowned out by noise from the crowd.

THUG LEADER (panicked):
     No, no! Don't listen to him. Everybody, remember the program, remember the steps!

Several people in the group get up and walk toward Gascar. The thug leader runs after them, trying to stop them.

THUG LEADER:
     Remember the prog--

He is cut short by a punch in the face from Gascar, using his one good arm to impressive effect, and tumbles on his back with a groan.

Some group members rush to the leader's defense while Nell and a few others join Gascar at his side. A melee erupts.

DISSOLVE TO

Some time later. The group, its ranks much thinner now, sits dejectedly around the remnants of the fire. The thug leader, looking somewhat bruised and battered, stands up.

THUG LEADER (irritably):
     All right, all right people. (He glares in what is supposed to be a menacing manner, but looks more like a spoiled child pouting) Who let those two in? Huh? I want answers!

DISSOLVE TO

The camera pans in on a swampy area. The ground is wet and muddy, while other sticks, weeds, and thorns fill the rest of the area. The sound of mosquitoes can be heard in the background. It looks humid and miserable, with no semblance of civilization to be found.

GABRIELLE (voice over, full of rage):
Xena, this is ridiculous!

The camera focuses in on Gabrielle, covered in mud and scratches, as she makes her way through the swamp. She doesn't look like a happy camper.

On top of her horse is Darion who is swatting all of the mosquitoes that keep landing on him.

The camera then pulls in on Xena, who is obviously in the same situation as she drags Argo behind her. She tries not to show her irritation.

GABRIELLE (complaining):
     If we had just stayed on the main road we would have been there by now.

Xena doesn't say anything, obviously Gabrielle was right in this situation but she just doesn't want to admit it. Determined, Xena grabs her sword and starts hacking away at the thorn bushes lying in front of her path.

XENA (sighing):
     Well, we can't turn around now.

GABRIELLE (irritated):
     No, but you could have at least stopped at that tavern and asked for directions.

XENA (rolling her eyes):
     Gabrielle, I know where we're going.

The camera pulls up on Darion.

DARION (in a smart-aleck way):
     Where? To Tartarus?

Gabrielle snickers.

XENA (taken aback; to Gabrielle):
     Looks like your smart-aleck comments are rubbing off on him.

GABRIELLE (laughing):
     My smart-aleck comments?

Xena says nothing; pursing her lips, she continues to hack away with her sword.

DARION (sighs):
     I thought you said this was a shortcut?

XENA:
     It was.

GABRIELLE (chuckling):
     Yeah. Thirty years ago.

Silence as Xena continues to hack.

DISSOLVE TO

The main road; Xena and Gabrielle are riding on horseback, with Darion asleep in the saddle in front of Gabrielle.

XENA:
     See, I told you we were on the right track.

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah, we're back on the main road. If we had just stayed here all along we'd have been in Tiryns already. And we wouldn't need a bath. Come on, Xena, admit it! It was a bad idea.

Xena glances at her with obvious displeasure, then changes the subject.

XENA:
     You know, I still can't believe Autolycus agreed to this marriage. He really didn't like Laertes much and he was so protective of Anticlea...

GABRIELLE (letting the change in subject pass):
     Well, you know fathers. (Glances at Xena a bit nervously) Uhh--what I mean is, she'll always be his little girl to him. But she's a grownup. And besides, Laertes is a good man. I'm sure they'll be very happy together, even if it takes a while for Autolycus to get used to it.

Darion wakes up and rubs his eyes.

DARION (plaintively):
     Are we there yet?

Xena rolls her eyes impatiently while Gabrielle peers ahead and points toward something in the distance.

GABRIELLE:
     Yes, we are!

Pan for a long shot of a city ahead of them.

DISSOLVE TO

A dark room, so dark that the camera appears to be staring into nothing but blackness. After a moment, a spark of light can be seen.

The camera focuses in on the lone light, where a figure can be seen, huddled over bottles and shaking.

The sounds of rattling bottles can be heard; gradually, a female voice rises above the general racket.

WOMAN (in tragic voice):
     All doomed...doomed... Destruction and devastation. Doomed!

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER