9.14 For Better, For Worse


ACT THREE

FADE IN

The camera pans in on a decrepit old barn. It looks like even in its better days, it was still little more than a rundown shack. Candles sit upon up-turned crates, attempting to light the shabby room. They appear somewhat of a fire hazard.

Indeed, as the camera pans around the room, several scorched areas become apparent. Still, there are fur rugs covering the dirty floor and several figures huddled around a well-tended fire.

GREBA (whining):
     I still don't understand why we have to be here.

Gascar

GASCAR (irritably):
     We're in hiding.

GREBA (shrieking as a rat scurries past):
     Still. This is disgusting.

NELL THE NASTY:
     She's right, you know. Most thug hideouts are much better. But we can't be picky with so little time.

GASCAR (obviously affronted that his hideout choice is taking such a beating):
     Could we please get back to the list?

GREBA (dutifully holding up a piece of parchment and a list):
     Right. Hideout--if that's what you call this. Check.

There are grumbles from the assembled group, including several random thugs.

GREBA:
     We didn't get to ruin the wedding because someone beat us to it. But, we do have Autolycus, Xena and Gabrielle right where we want them--and they don't even know it!

NELL THE NASTY:
     Gimme that. (snatches the parchment) You forgot world domination! That's the most important one!

GASCAR:
     We have to get those three out of the way first. I say kidnap 'em.

GREBA (rolling her eyes):
     Yeah, 'cause that worked so well last time--and that was just Gabrielle.

The assembled thugs look nervous at the proposition of kidnapping Xena.

NELL THE NASTY (nastily):
     Well, then, we'll just have to pick new targets. Someone close to them all. Hold on. (she stares intently at the parchment) Does kidnapping go directly under world domination, or under torturing enemies?

GASCAR (holding out his one arm):
     Let me see the list. (Nell the Nasty gives it to him) Hey, I want some new armor too. Where's that? And let's not forget about money.

NELL THE NASTY:
     Yeah, 'cause we're going to need serious dinars to raise an army and take over the world!

GASCAR:
     And it's not even on the list!

DISSOLVE TO

A guest room in the castle. Alesia is at the foot of a bed, staring into a large wall mirror in front of her and pensively combing her hair.

With a golden flare, Aphrodite materializes in the mirror. Alesia barely reacts.

APHRODITE:
     Hey babe, what's up?

ALESIA:
     I told Laertes...everything.

APHRODITE (excited but anxious):
     And?

ALESIA (with a small smile):
     He didn't believe half of it. Except the giants, he bought that right away.

APHRODITE:
     So, he's totally going to go for you, right?

ALESIA:
     I don't know. It was good just talking with him.

Aphrodite

APHRODITE (sits on the bed next to Alesia):
     You know I'm here for you. Whatever you need for that happy ending.

ALESIA (a little bitterly):
     I bet it'd be easier for you to just forget about me and give Anticlea her dream wedding. You'd have the new queen of Tiryns singing your praises to everyone.

APHRODITE (impulsively):
     Hey, that's not what this is about! (pats Alesia's hand) I want you to be happy, kiddo.

They stare at each other. Alesia is clearly moved, while Aphrodite is shocked as she realizes the meaning of what she just said.

ALESIA:
     Thank you for being here for all this. No matter what happens, I'm going to see to it that you get a new temple in Cyra.

APHRODITE:
     Aww...that's so sweet of you! (They hug, Aphrodite patting Alesia's back) Whatever floats your boat, chicky. Toodles.

The camera focuses in on Aphrodite's faint, somewhat confused smile as she disappears in the customary bout of hearts and golden sparks.

Alesia is left sitting alone. She lies back on the bed, staring up at the canopy.

Alesia

ALESIA (musing):
     Maybe there will be a happily ever after.

The camera follows her line of sight until it is focused on the canopy, which almost seems alive in the dim light.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle, Darion, and Autolycus are sitting around a table in a room at the palace, eating.

AUTOLYCUS (irritably):
     Gods.

XENA (dead-pans):
     Yep. Those pesky gods--always ruining a well-planned event.

GABRIELLE:
     You'd think they would learn not to meddle--

A woman comes shooting through the room, hobbling at an extremely rapid rate. She is closely followed by King Lycaon and King Gordus, but they are obviously having a hard time catching her.

WOMAN (screeching):
     Doomed. Doomed! Trouble, everywhere, always making trouble. Nobody ever learns. Doomed wedding and doomed people and doom!!

Darion shrinks back, obviously scared.

AUTOLYCUS (rolls his eyes):
     Oh, not her again!

Sileni is leading the two kings on a merry chase around the room.

KING LYCAON (stopping to catch his breath near them):
     Sorry about this--she got all worked up and...she's not well right now...last time she got like this, she bit one of the palace guards and he almost sued for work-related injuries!

SILENI:
     Trouble! Grudges everywhere.

She suddenly marches up to Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus and stops, staring straight at them.

SILENI:
     The one-armed man. With a grudge... (she stares intently at Xena) at you... (she shifts her stare to Gabrielle) and you... (she pauses a moment and then turns to Autolycus and spits out the last words almost triumphantly) and you! He's the one to watch!

XENA (suddenly interested):
     One-armed thug?

GABRIELLE:
     You don't think--

[FLASHBACK "Surprises"]

GABRIELLE:
     Gascar? But--but you're supposed to be--

GASCAR:
     Dead? Nah. (laughs) Took that beast eight heads just to get my arm off. (Gabrielle winces.) Clever trick, pretending to fight Xena, and sending me to those caves--oh, very clever. You appreciate clever tricks, do you?

[END OF FLASHBACK]

SILENI (nodding so vigorously that it appears she may tip over):
     The one-armed man--and his ally--a woman with a grudge... (her eyes light up and she points a shaky finger at Xena) against you!

Xena and Gabrielle look at one another and shrug.

XENA (dubiously):
     Greba?

AUTOLYCUS:
     Hey, you're a little ahead of me. Who's Greba?

SILENI:
     A grudge. Yes. A grudge from a long time ago...a childhood grudge...over a game. (mumbles) Trouble-makers all. Trouble, I said. (screeches) Doomed!

The two kings finally catch up with Sileni and take her by the arms. She falls silent, allowing them to lead her out of the room.

DARION:
     Hey, didn't they say nothing she predicts has ever come true?

Xena

XENA (sighs):
     Well, maybe this is her lucky day. A one-armed thug and a woman with a childhood grudge against me? Sounds a lot like...

GABRIELLE:
     Gascar and Nell the Nasty.

A moment of tense silence falls across the room.

XENA:
     Talk about a lucky day.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Uh, ladies--did you say Nell the Nasty? I think I may have known a few strippers who would have considered that name beneath them, back in the day.

[FLASHBACK "Lost and Found"]

BARCANOR (still struggling):
     My mom has your chakram. She wants revenge for what you did to her many years ago.

Xena looks confused and guilty.

XENA:
     Who's your mom?

BARCANOR:
     Her name is Nell the Nasty, and she is the baddest mother thugger around.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

GABRIELLE (laughing):
     Auto, this is one story that--

XENA (interrupts):
     -- can wait for some other time.

DARION (giggles):
     Xena doesn't like to talk about it because Nell almost stole her chakram.

AUTOLYCUS (his curiosity piqued):
      Really? Sounds like a woman of considerable talent.

XENA (rolls her eyes):
     Believe me, she's not your type. (She pauses suddenly and gives Autolycus a curious look) Say--Sileni said the one-armed man had a grudge against you as well. If it's really Gascar, what would he want with you?

AUTOLYCUS (sheepishly):
     Well...it may have something to do with a recent, um--equity sharing project of mine.

XENA (raises an eyebrow):
     Equity sharing. Why don't I like the sound of this?

GABRIELLE:
     Let me guess. You stole money from Gascar.

AUTOLYCUS (winces):
     Let's just say I redistributed his wealth.

XENA (sarcastic):
     To yourself.

AUTOLYCUS:
     You never want to see the Greater Good in my work! Look, the guy's a warlord. He probably got it in some--disgustingly dishonorable way. And he was probably going to use it for more conquering and pillaging and other bad stuff.

XENA:
     So let me guess. Gascar didn't see the Greater Good in your work either.

AUTOLYCUS (shrugs):
     He's a warlord--what do you expect?

GABRIELLE:
     And he wants to either get back at you or get his money back.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Or both.

GABRIELLE (looking hesitantly between Xena and Autolycus):
     And you think he's actually teamed up with Nell the Nasty? Xena, this is--

She is interrupted by a burst of golden sparks and pink hearts. Aphrodite appears.

APHRODITE:
     Hey, you three! Time to party!

XENA (puzzled):
     What are you talking about?

APHRODITE:
     Well, duh--just trying to cheer you up. I decorated the hall, invited back all the wedding guests, opened the main doors, and threw a party. (Off Xena's disbelieving look, sheepishly) Look, I was kinda bummed about my total lack of wedding timing. So I figured--what better way to forget that ickiness than a party!

DARION (jumps up, excited):
     A party! Let's go, everyone!

APHRODITE:
     Good to see someone appreciates me.

GABRIELLE:
     Aphrodite, that's very nice of you.

XENA:
     All right, all right. (She gets up, exchanging amused glances with Gabrielle and Autolycus) Lead the way.

CUT TO

The main hall of the castle, which is done up completely in pink. There's a large dance floor filled with people, tables of fruit, and a music band with flutes and lyres. Sparkles and streamers are floating around. There is a large pink banner with golden lettering. Subtitles appear on the screen to translate the inscription:

Party the Love Goddess Way!

GABRIELLE (in disbelief):
     Isn't this...a bit much?

Aphrodite

APHRODITE:
     Honey, you can't have too much of a good thing.

DARION:
     This is so cool! Yay!

He runs off toward the table with fruit.

APHRODITE (with a wink):
     See, the kid likes it. It's totally rockin'. Well, gotta go check on my girl. See ya!

She vanishes in a flash of golden sparks.

AUTOLYCUS (shakes his head):
     I need a drink.

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus head toward the bar.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus making their way through the crowd of guests, sipping from their goblets.

The camera pans out to the terrace, where the sun is setting and the sky is painted in gorgeous colors. Alesia is standing by the railing of the balcony, next to a gaudy gold statue of a scantily clad Aphrodite, deep in conversation with the goddess herself.

CUT TO

Aphrodite and Alesia in medium closeup.

ALESIA:
     You know what I realized? Yes, I care about Laertes. But what I was really in love with was this fairy-tale romance when I was innocent and young... I had always wondered if I had made a terrible mistake leaving him. And now...

APHRODITE:
     And now?

ALESIA:
     And now, I know that I should stop living in the past. I'm the person I am today because I went on the road and had those adventures. Maybe I'll find true love, maybe not. But I should let Laertes get on with his life.

APHRODITE:
     You sure?

ALESIA:
     Yeah. (sheepishly) Are you mad? I mean, it looks like you did all this work for nothing and all because--

APHRODITE:
     Nah, sweet pea, don't worry about it. (smiles warmly) You needed to figure this out for yourself. And without help from your fairy godsmother, you never would have gotten that chance, would you now?

ALESIA:
     Thank you.

They hug affectionately.

APHRODITE:
     Well, enjoy the party, babe. I'm due back on Olympus.

She vanishes in a shower of golden sparks, blowing Alesia a kiss. Alesia turns and leans on the railing, looking out at the sunset.

The camera pulls back to show Anticlea standing nearby, intently examining the leaves and flowers of a potted plant.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus standing inside the room.

AUTOLYCUS (worried):
     I don't like this.

XENA:
     Well, it's Aphrodite's taste in decorating. (to Gabrielle) Better watch Darion, or he'll--

Autolycus

AUTOLYCUS (interrupts):
     No, no--I don't mean the party. Look! (he points to Anticlea) See how close she is to Alesia? I really hope Anticlea doesn't do...anything I would do.

GABRIELLE (shocked):
     Autolycus! How can you say that about your own daughter?

AUTOLYCUS:
     Well, that's just it. She is my daughter.

GABRIELLE:
     Point taken.

XENA:
     And she's got a pretty good reason to be pissed off at Alesia. I better go and--

Before she can finish, a window shatters, causing guests to shout and squeal. An incendiary device falls on the floor, emitting thick clouds of smoke. A second window shatters and a second device lands on the floor. A panic erupts. A third bomb lands on the terrace.

Through the smoke, some thugs are seen leaping onto the terrace. In the smoke and the general melee, it's almost impossible to figure out what's going on.

As the smoke clears for a moment, we see Nell the Nasty on the terrace.

NELL THE NASTY (cackling):
     There! Grab 'em!

Pan back to Xena, who spots Nell and scowls.

Xena

XENA (in a low, half-growling voice):
     Nell...

Xena tries to make her way toward the terrace but is trapped amongst the stampeding crowd of frightened guests.

GABRIELLE:
     Darion! Where are you?

The camera pulls back to show Gabrielle making her way through the room.

CUT TO

Xena and Autolycus finally make their way out onto the terrace. As the smoke clear, Anticlea and Alesia are nowhere in sight.

XENA:
     Alesia?

AUTOLYCUS:
     Anticlea?

The camera pans down to a piece of parchment on the floor. Autolycus bends down and picks it up, then scans the contents.

AUTOLYCUS (dismayed and shocked):
     No... this can't be! This is ridiculous!

XENA:
     What's going on?

AUTOLYCUS:
     They've been kidnapped for a million dinar ransom! I didn't even steal nearly that much!

GABRIELLE (coming out on the terrace with Darion):
     Oh, you've got to be kidding.

The camera pans to Laertes, who is seen pushing his way through the crowd as he looks around, clearly searching for someone. Finally he runs out on the terrace.

LAERTES (excited):
     That's it--the wedding is back on, for midday tomorrow. I've got it all figured out! I--

He stops short and looks around.

LAERTES:
     What's going on? (looks around) Where's Anticlea?

Medium close-up on Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus, looking dejected, as we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE