FADE IN

FEMALE GUEST #1:
     Oh, Helga, this is absolutely ridiculous!

HELGA:
     I know. We all show up, and now the wedding party is missing!

FEMALE GUEST #1:
     If it weren't such a good excuse to show off my new dresses, I'd stop coming. This wedding is never going to happen.

The camera pans around the same beautiful clearing as the near-wedding ceremony. Once again, chairs are set up and the guests are gathered. From the angle of the sun, it is easily recognizable as midday--the wedding that Laertes had called back on.

The guests are muttering irritably to themselves and using the opportunity to gossip about this latest failure. The priest has fallen asleep behind the podium.

King Gordus, Queen Emma, King Lycaon and Queen Hermonia are all huddled near the podium, clearly upset.

KING GORDUS:
     That boy... (shakes his head) too much like his father...

QUEEN EMMA:
     And which bride, exactly, were we expecting?

KING LYCAON (muttering to himself):
     Sileni's never going to let us hear the end of this...she just had to be right this one time...

QUEEN HERMONIA (sighs dramatically):
     There better be a good excuse for this!

DISSOLVE TO

A field with a barn sitting in the middle of it.

XENA (voice-over):
     There is just no excuse for this--this...

Zoom in on Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus and Laertes standing in front of the barn--the same one where we saw Gascar, Greba and Nell the Nasty earlier. The shack even has a banner stretched across it: Princesses inside. Dinars to enter.

LAERTES:
     Come on, let's do it. They're just a bunch of stupid thugs.

XENA:
     Never underestimate stupid thugs.

GABRIELLE (teasing):
     Afraid of facing Nell the Nasty again?

AUTOLYCUS:
     Guys, come on! This is serious. Those stupid thugs could hurt my kid in there.

XENA:
     Or Alesia.

AUTOLYCUS (grudgingly):
     Yeah, yeah.

Cautiously, they approach the barn.

CUT TO

Inside the barn. Barcanor is looking out a tiny window in its side.

BARCANOR (turns around):
     They're coming!

Pan to Gascar, Greba and Nell at the other end of the barn. Alesia and Anticlea are also there, tied up with ropes.

ALESIA (contemptuously):
     You realize you're all about to get your butts kicked.

NELL THE NASTY (snarls):
     Been there, done that, got the bruises to prove it.

GASCAR (with an evil chuckle):
     Let them come. This time, we're ready for them. (to the thugs) Haul 'em up!

Pan to a couple of thugs putting on ropes. Alesia and Anticlea cry out as they're hauled up to their feet and lifted off the ground.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus and Laertes at the door of the barn. They walk in.

CUT TO

Inside the barn. Xena and the others survey the situation.

There is a muddy pool dug into the ground, with two poles on each side and two ropes stretched between the poles over the pool. Anticlea and Alesia are suspended from the middle of the ropes, dangling over the pool, their hands tied in front of them.

LAERTES and AUTOLYCUS (in unison):
     Anticlea!

ANTICLEA:
     I'm all right!

LAERTES (looks a little guiltily at Alesia):
     Alesia--are you okay?

ALESIA:
     Fine--nothing to worry about. (Tries to laugh) I did always say I wanted adventure...

XENA:
     Don't worry, we'll get you out of here.

NELL THE NASTY:
     Oh no you won't. Try anything funny, and we'll cut them down!

GABRIELLE (looks down):
     You'll...drop them into the mud? That's supposed to scare us?

GASCAR:
     Not just any mud.

A pair of jaws snaps up from the mud at the two young women's dangling feet. They scream and try to pull up their feet.

LAERTES (frightened):
     What was that?

GASCAR (waving his good arm cheerily):
     Crocodiles, boy. One false move--and they'll make you--or your girlfriends--look like me. (points to the stump of his other arm) And that's the best-case scenario.

Pan to the pool from Alesia and Anticlea's point of view. We see the two young women's dangling feet and several crocodiles swimming around in the muddy water underneath. Another croc reaches up, snapping his jaws. The two women cry out and try to tuck in their feet.

Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus and Laertes exchanged alarmed looks.

AUTOLYCUS:
     How do you even get crocodiles to Greece?

XENA (shrugs):
     Just--go with the flow.

She turns back toward Gascar and his confederates.

XENA:
     What do you want?

GASCAR:
     What, you don't know how to read ransom notes? We want the gold! So you better have it with you.

GREBA:
     For starters--you can put down your weapons. Now! Or we'll cut them down!

AUTOLYCUS:
     Hey, if you get them killed you can forget all about that ransom!

GASCAR (grins evilly):
     Maybe we'll just kill one and collect for the other. (looking at Autolycus) I'd say a queen is worth a lot more than the daughter of some has-been thief.

AUTOLYCUS (insulted):
     Has-been thief? Oh, you're asking for it!

Xena puts a hand on his shoulder and he makes a visible effort to restrain himself.

GREBA:
     Like I said--weapons down!

With a sigh, Autolycus throws down his dagger, Laertes his sword, Gabrielle her sais. Xena puts down her sword and chakram. She notices something; the camera follows her line of sight and we see Nell looking at the chakram with a covetous glint in her eye. Zoom in on Xena as she obviously gets an idea.

XENA (picks up the chakram and stands up straight):
     I've got a deal for you, Nell!

NELL THE NASTY (mistrustful):
     What's that?

XENA:
     You can have this (gives the chakram a twirl on her finger) if you release one of the girls. Let Anticlea go.

NELL THE NASTY:
     You'll let me have your toy? (eyeing Xena's chakram with licked lips) Oooh. (with an evil cackle) That would really sting, wouldn't it, Warrior Princess? You'd know how I felt when you wouldn't let me play ball!

XENA (nods carefully, humoring her):
     I--sure would.

GASCAR (to Nell):
     Hey, wait a minute! We didn't agree to any deals. We're in this for the gold.

NELL THE NASTY:
     Vengeance is worth more than gold! (she gnashes her teeth at Xena)

GREBA:
     Wait, wait, wait--

NELL THE NASTY:
     Shut up, you--bird-brained bimbo!

GREBA (to Gascar, with a gasp):
     Gascar! Did you hear what sh--

GASCAR (interrupts, holding up his one hand in a "time-out" gesture):
     Wait a minute! That's exactly what she wants--to pit us against each other! Then, while we're distracted, she'll pull off something smart. (to Xena, with a nasty grin) Oh, you're good. But I've got you figured out.

XENA (with a small, cold smile):
     Have you. (To Nell) How about it, Nell? Let her go and you can have the chakram.

NELL THE NASTY (after a moment's hesitation):
     All right. (to Gascar and Greba) Out of my way! We still have the other girl. We'll get our money. (to Barcanor) Pull the rope!

Barcanor pulls on the rope and Anticlea is pulled toward Nell and the other thugs. Gascar and Greba eye Nell with displeasure but do not interfere. When Anticlea is nearly on the ground, Nell motions to Barcanor to stop.

NELL THE NASTY (growls):
     Now throw it! And no tricks, Xena!

Xena throws the chakram; Gabrielle gasps. The camera follows the chakram as it lands at Nell's feet. She snatches it up.

NELL THE NASTY (with a maniacal cackle):
     It's mine! Eat your heart out, Warrior Princess!

She hangs the chakram on her belt, then grabs a dagger, cuts the rope that fastens Anticlea to the rope over the pool and then the rope binding her hands, and pushes her in the direction of Xena, Autolycus and the others. Autolycus and Laertes gasp with joy and relief.

GASCAR (to Nell):
     That wasn't the plan, you crazy old hag!

NELL THE NASTY (snarls):
     Shut up, hairball, or you might lose that other arm!

Anticlea runs toward her rescuers.

ANTICLEA:
     Laertes! Daddy!

GASCAR:
     All right--now let's have the gold!

GABRIELLE (quietly, to Xena):
     I hope there's a second part to this plan.

XENA (smirking):
     Yeah, watch. (quietly, to Laertes) Don't make a sound.

Laertes gives her a puzzled look. She shrugs her shoulders, ejecting the breast dagger from her breastplate (like in "Death Mask"); catching the dagger, she throws it at Alesia. Laertes gasps.

Close-up on the dagger as it swishes through the air, then cuts the rope that binds Alesia's hands. Alesia catches the dagger, grabbing the rope stretched over the pool with her free hand; then, she cuts the rope on which she's suspended, throws the dagger back to Xena (who catches it with a smile) and then grabs the rope over her head with her other hand.

GASCAR:
     Hey, what's going on? Get her!

Alesia swings on the rope back and forth like an acrobat, while several crocodiles rear up trying to snap at her. Finally, she gains enough momentum and leaps. Quick pan to the amazed faces of Laertes, Gabrielle, Autolycus and Anticlea. Xena is smiling.

LAERTES (shouts):
     Alesia!

Alesia lands on the side of the pool and runs toward the group. The camera pulls back and we see that Autolycus now has his arm around Anticlea's shoulders.

ALESIA (joyfully):
     Xena!

Xena hugs her.

XENA:
     I knew you could do it.

GABRIELLE (amazed):
     How?

XENA:
     I'll tell you later. (She gestures toward Gascar, Nell, Greba and the thugs.)

GASCAR (furious):
     You think you've won, don't you, Xena? Well, think again! (he draws his sword with his one good hand) Charge!

NELL THE NASTY (grabs the chakram off her belt):
     You're about to get a taste of your own chakram, Warrior Princess!

Snarling, the thugs draw their swords and charge after Gascar and Nell.

GREBA (cheers from the sidelines):
     After them!

GASCAR:
     Kill them all!

FEMALE VOICE (off-camera):
     Not so fast there, Mister. You have one serious attitude problem.

Pan to Aphrodite, the golden sparks still clearing around her. She glances at the dirt around her, then makes a face and floats up above the floor, then blows a stream of hearts in a kiss at the thugs behind Gascar and Nell.

The thugs suddenly drop their weapons and begin to bawl, hugging amidst exclamations of "I love you, man!"

Furious, Gascar turns toward them, brandishing his sword.

GASCAR:
     Pulls yourselves together, you wimps!

GREBA:
     Go get 'em, Gascar!

APHRODITE (looks at Greba):
     And you, Miss Thing, need to settle down.

Aphrodite waves her arm and Greba's eyes suddenly cloud over in a way that usually only occurs when Ares is around. She launches herself at Gascar, catching him around the waist and dragging him to the ground.

GREBA:
     Oh, Gascar, let's get married. And buy a nice little cottage. And we'll hang your sword in the living room and hustle old women for their money and...

GASCAR:
     Woman! Let go of me!

Meanwhile, Nell the Nasty approaches Xena.

NELL THE NASTY (awkwardly brandishing the chakram):
     You think it's over, Xena? I will always be after you!

Meanwhile, Greba's squeals and Gascar's protesting grunts are heard in the background as we see them rolling around, Gascar trying in vain to free himself from her clutches.

APHRODITE (looks at Nell):
     Eww, that is one nasty chicka.

She blows some hearts at Nell.

NELL THE NASTY:
     I will al--

Close-up on Nell as the hearts reach her. She pauses for a moment, her expression changing suddenly to a mellow and sentimental one.

NELL THE NASTY (continues):
     --always love you with all my heart!

Pan to Xena, who gives her a startled look, then back to Nell as her face crumples and tears start rolling down her face.

The camera pulls back for a medium wide shot. In the blurry background, we see Gascar and Greba still rolling around on the floor. Their voices can be heard in the background as Greba squeals, "I love you, you big hunk of--" and Gascar snarls "Stop it!"

NELL THE NASTY (continues, tearfully):
     All I ever wanted was to be your friend! Here, take it! (gives Xena the chakram)

XENA (taken aback):
     Umm--thank you, Nell.

She takes the chakram and hangs it on her belt.

In the background, where Gascar and Greba are still rolling around, muffled kisses are heard. Gascar's growl turns to a satisfied grunt followed by "Oh, yeah!"

Nell, still sniffling, throws her arms around her as Xena tries gingerly to back away without pushing her.

XENA:
     That's all right, Nell. (pats her on the back)

Aphrodite giggles while Nell lays a big sloppy kiss on Xena's cheek. Xena does not look happy.

GABRIELLE (amused):
     At least this time, she didn't bite you.

XENA (turning toward the group of thugs, with Nell's arms still locked around her):
      Barcanor. Barcanor--come get your mother!

Barcanor breaks free of a group hug with his fellow thugs and shuffles toward Xena.

BARCANOR (sniffling):
     Thank you so much, Xena. (touches Nell's shoulder) Come along, mom.

NELL THE NASTY (sniffling):
     We're friends, aren't we?

XENA (playing along, uncomfortably):
     Um--yeah. Sure. (smiles as if at a child) Sure we are.

Nell finally disengages. Barcanor starts bawling again and leans in for a hug that Xena dodges.

BARCANOR (to his brothers, who are still with the other thugs, hugging and weeping):
     Come on, guys!

He leads his mother away as his three brothers follow, sniffling. At the door of the barn, Nell the Nasty turns and blows Xena a kiss.

NELL THE NASTY:
     Bye, Xena! Come and visit us at the old fortress! I'll bake cookies!

Xena smiles awkwardly and waves at her.

The other thugs trudge toward the door as well. Gascar and Greba are the last to leave, stopping a few times to kiss passionately.

AUTOLYCUS (shakes his head):
     Get a room, guys.

APHRODITE (giggles):
     I'm sure they will.

XENA (to Aphrodite):
     What did you do to them?

APHRODITE (shrugging one shoulder):
     Duh! Just got them in touch with their emotions. It'll wear off in a few hours, so if I were you, I wouldn't drop by for those cookies.

XENA (dryly):
     I'm so disappointed.

Pan to Alesia, Laertes and Anticlea.

LAERTES:
     Alesia, I... (awkwardly) I'll always care about you, but--

ALESIA (finishes for him):
     --but Anticlea is the one you truly love.

Laertes nods.

ALESIA:
     I think I knew that. (she kisses Laertes' cheek) Be happy.

ANTICLEA (to Alesia):
     By the way, this belongs to you. (Hands Alesia a diamond bracelet)

ALESIA (gasps):
     What! (glances at her wrist) How did you--

ANTICLEA (grins at her):
     Trade secret. I just wanted to make a point.

ALESIA (takes the bracelet and puts it back on, not quite knowing how to react):
     Uh--thank you.

AUTOLYCUS (puts an arm around Alesia):
     Ah, that's my girl.

LAERTES (to Alesia, still uncomfortable):
     Are you going to stay for the wedding?

ALESIA (thinks a moment):
     No, thanks. I think I'm going to... (glances at Aphrodite) catch up with an old friend.

APHRODITE (smiles proudly):
     Aww--isn't she sweet?

XENA:
     Aphrodite, you let them sort it out for themselves. I'm very proud of you.

APHRODITE (with a little wink):
     I'm touched, Warrior Babe. But hey, I still want to help. (lowers her voice) Are you and Bro--

XENA (her face unflinching, holds out a hand to stop her):
     We'll sort it out.

APHRODITE:
     I know you will. (To Gabrielle) Bye, Gabby! (to Laertes and Anticlea) Good luck, you two. (to Autolycus) Congratulations. (to Alesia) Come on.

She walks off arm in arm with Alesia. The two disappear mid-stride in a shower of golden sparks.

Gabrielle looks after them and shakes her head indulgently, then turns to Xena.

GABRIELLE:
     So, how did you know Alesia would be able to free herself and make that jump?

XENA:
     She told me. See, in the five years she spent seeking adventure, she traveled with a group of acrobats for a while. Apparently, she really wanted to learn how to do jumps and flips because, well-- (she clears her throat self-consciously)

GABRIELLE:
     Let me guess. She wanted to be like you?

XENA (nods):
     Uh-huh.

GABRIELLE (smiles warmly):
     It happens.

The two women look affectionately at each other.

LAERTES:
     She's a remarkable woman. (to Anticlea) Don't worry. I know whom I love.

They kiss.

AUTOLYCUS (clears his throat and averts his eyes):
     Come on, you two. We've got a wedding waiting to happen.

Autolycus, Anticlea and Laertes walk off together.

Xena and Gabrielle walk after them, out into the field.

GABRIELLE (shaking her head):
     Maybe Aphrodite did learn her lesson. Who knew that all a god needs is--

XENA (embarrassed):
     Don't say it.

GABRIELLE (blithely):
     --The love of a good princess.

XENA:
     So not funny.

A long shot of the two walking through the field.

GABRIELLE (fading out):
     Oh, yes it was. You're just too close to see the humor.

DISSOLVE TO

A mixture of regally dressed figures (from Laertes' side) and random people (Autolycus' friends) are seated for the wedding--again. Despite everything, there is not a spare seat to be found. Some people are even standing in the back, eager to see if this wedding will actually go on. Xena, Gabrielle and Darion are sitting together in the front row.

Laertes is standing in front of the arch, dressed in an elegant purple and green robe and a white shirt with gold trim. He looks very happy, if slightly nervous.

Music begins to play. Everyone looks down the aisle to see Anticlea walk up, arm in arm with Autolycus. She is wearing her white wedding dress with a veil, a wreath of flowers on her head and carrying a bouquet in her hand. She walks slowly toward Laertes with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Autolycus, this time, is nearly bawling.

Anticlea stops in front of the arch, facing Laertes. Autolycus steps back. The priest looks at the two of them gently, if curiously and a little apprehensively. Anticlea and Laertes hold hands.

PRIEST:
     We are here today... (pauses) ...again... to unite in marriage this man, King Laertes of Tyrins, and this woman, Anticlea of Cyros. (looks out at the crowd) If anyone should know of a reason these two should not be joined in matrimony--

CHILD'S VOICE (pipes up off-camera):
     Hey!

A murmur goes through the crowd. Autolycus looks ready to kill; Laertes and Anticlea blanch.

The camera pans back to show a little girl in a pretty blue dress stand up. The astute viewer will recognize her as Annabel from "Lost and Found."

ANNABEL (innocently):
     I've got to go to the bathroom.

A general sigh of relief runs through the crowd as people turn back to look at the child. Autolycus wipes his forehead, as do Laertes and the priest with an identical gesture.

Annabel's mother shushes her, takes her hand and leads her away. At the end of the aisle, Annabel turns around and sticks out her tongue at the priest.

Pan to Xena and Gabrielle, looking in Annabel's direction.

XENA (quietly to Gabrielle):
     Wait, was that--?

GABRIELLE (quietly):
     Nah, it couldn't be.

AUTOLYCUS (nudges the priest from the side):
     Could we hurry it along here?

PRIEST:
     Right. Do you, Laertes, take Anticlea to be your wife?

LAERTES (sincerely):
     I do.

PRIEST:
     And, Anticlea, do you take Laertes to be your husband?

There is a pause, and the crowd waits with baited breath.

ANTICLEA:
     Yes. (nervously) I mean...I do.

A general sigh of relief.

PRIEST:
     Then, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Anticlea and Laertes move in, tentatively at first, for a kiss. As soon as their lips touch, all reservations are gone, and they kiss passionately and happily. Autolycus averts his eyes, while the crowd cheers.

DISSOLVE TO

An overhead shot of the reception, being held conveniently in the same beautiful clearing as the wedding. It's late afternoon. People are dancing, eating and drinking. The camera moves in to show Anticlea and Laertes dancing, lost in each other. Autolycus stands to the side, watching them, clearly moved.

DISSOLVE TO

Back in the outdoor temple in Cyra (from "If the Shoe Fits"). It is in significantly more decay than when we last saw it. Aphrodite and Alesia are sitting next to a golden statue that has lost its head.

ALESIA (sighs):
     I know this was the right thing to do. But... (trails off)

APHRODITE:
     But what? Remember, this is your fairy godsmother you're talking to.

ALESIA:
     But I still can't help thinking that maybe I missed my chance at true love.

APHRODITE:
     Well, I could get you (mimes snapping) some hot boy right now. (with a little sigh) But sometimes, you gotta wait for things to happen the (she wrinkles her nose) mortal way. (pauses) And besides...you still got me.

Alesia looks up and smiles. Aphrodite's eyes light up and she smiles as well, pulling Alesia into a tight hug and laughing.

The camera slowly pulls back as the goddess and her mortal friend laugh amidst the ruins of Aphrodite's temple.

DISSOLVE TO

Xena, Gabrielle and Darion walking toward the stables. The sun is starting to set.

DARION (dazed and joyous):
     Xena, Gabrielle--guess what!

XENA (teasing):
     What, you wanna get married now too?

DARION (nodding):
     Yeah! I met this really pretty girl at the party.

Xena and Gabrielle exchange shocked looks.

GABRIELLE (trying not to laugh at Darion's crush):
     Well, before you get married, young man, you better tell us her name.

DARION (excited):
     Her name is Annabel!

Xena and Gabrielle exchange horrified looks as ominous-sounding music is cued in.

GABRIELLE:
     Annabel.

DARION:
     Yeah. Her mom is the new royal cook. She was telling me about all this cool stuff she used to find on the beach, and once--

His voice trails off as they continue to walk. Xena's voice rises for a moment.

XENA:
     Must be in the air.

They continue to walk away from the camera as we:

FADE OUT

THE END

[The Hatred and Personal Vengeance Addicts Anonymous twelve-step program suffered a minor setback during the production of this motion picture.]

Xena: Warrior Princess Shipper Seasons Season 9 Episode 14 For Better, For Worse Story By: Ryan, Aurora, and Del Written By: Del Edited By: LadyKate Collage By: Aurora Images Gathered By: Aurora Cast Xena Lucy Lawless Gabrielle Renee O'Connor Darion Alexander Gandar Aphrodite Alexandra Tydings Alesia Miranda Otto Autolycus Bruce Campbell Anticlea Charisma Carpenter Laertes Joseph Murray Nell the Nasty Lisa Chappell Gascar Noel Coutts Greba Charmaine Guest Barcnor Ray Charrn Annabel Julie Rylon Sileni Sarah Pyes Original Airdate October 25, 2006 The Hatred and Personal Vengeance Addicts Anonymous twelve-step program suffered a minor setback during the production of this motion picture. DEDICATED TO KEVIN SMITH All characters and storylines that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess are a copyright and trademark of Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement was intended during the writing of this script. All original characters and storylines are a copyright of the respective authors and of the Shipper Seasons. No script may be reproduced on a website elsewhere without the author's consent. © Shipper Seasons www.shipperseasons.com

This script is provided by GDev Resources.