7.15 Princess of Thieves


ACT FOUR

FADE IN

Back outside the gates, the two guards suddenly stop their conversation.

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #1:
     Hey, weren't we supposed to be looking out for something?

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #2:
     Yeah, that thief's father.

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #1:
     Don't 'spose it was the three that passed by...do you?

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #2 (shakes head):
     What, the leather girl, the small blonde and the guy with the mustache?

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #1:
     Yeah...them.

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #2 (frowns in consternation):
     So which one of them was supposed to be the girls' father?

CUT TO

The dungeon. Autolycus is doing his best imitation of Xena's death glare.

ANTICLEA:
     Now Daddy, I know this doesn't look very good...

AUTOLYCUS:
     Not look very good? What were you trying to do, charm your way out?

XENA (quietly to Gabrielle):
     Looks like she was doing a good job.

GABRIELLE:
     I don't think she needs our help.

Autolycus turns to give his friends "his version" of the glare.

XENA:
     Hey, don't you try that look on me, mister. I invented it.

ANTICLEA (registers that there are other people in the room):
     Who are you?

XENA (points to Gabrielle):
     That's Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE (points to Xena):
     That's Xena.

ANTICLEA:
     You're supposed to be dead.

XENA:
     Luckily, things don't always turn out the way they're supposed to.

ANTICLEA:
     So you're the real Xena and Gertrude?

GABRIELLE:
     That's Gabrielle.

ANTICLEA (apologetic look):
     Sorry.

GABRIELLE (under her breath):
     Looks like he talked more about you than me...

Xena glances at her, raising an eyebrow.

GABRIELLE:
     She thought my name was Gertrude!

XENA (studies Gabrielle for a moment):
     You don't really look like a Gertrude.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Can we get back to the point?

GABRIELLE and XENA:
     Sure.

Autolycus

AUTOLYCUS (stamps his foot):
     Anticlea! Come out here this minute!

ANTICLEA:
     Um, dad? I happen to be locked in a cell.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Sorry. (to Laertes) Open the cell, you vile creature!

LAERTES:
     That was uncalled for.

Laertes takes out the key and unlocks the door.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Ah, that's better. (stamps his foot and repeats in an identical tone) Anticlea! Come out here this minute!

Anticlea remains glued to the spot.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Now what?

ANTICLEA (crosses her arms over her chest):
     Apologize to Laertes, Father.

AUTOLYCUS:
     You have got to be kidding me! (realizes that she isn't) Fine, fine, I'm very sorry I called you a vile creature, Laertes...honesty isn't always the best policy! Hah!

Xena shakes her head and sits down, realizing that this could take all day. Gabrielle starts fidgeting and looks very uncomfortable.

ANTICLEA:
     For your information, he's a Prince!

AUTOLYCUS:
     So what's he doing, moonlighting as a prison guard?

ANTICLEA:
     His father is King Eurystheus.

AUTOLYCUS (smiles gleefully):
     Really...well, now you're a vile creature who's bait.

GABRIELLE:
     Huh?

XENA:
     Can we stop with the bait, please?

AUTOLYCUS (smug):
     Have a better plan do you? (realizes that he just talked back to Xena and goes white)

XENA:
     Actually--yeah. But first, I need to know something. (to Anticlea) Anticlea, why did you want to steal the statue?

ANTICLEA (angrily):
     Because it ruined my father's life!

GABRIELLE (looks at Autolycus):
     Wait a minute...when you got trapped underneath the temple of Zeus, this is what you were stealing, wasn't it? This statue?

AUTOLYCUS (slightly embarrassed):
     Well, not to mince words...yeah.

LAERTES (bitterly):
     I wish you'd stolen the damn statue! As time goes by, my father just becomes more and more obsessed with it... He's not paying any attention to the affairs of state anymore...though, of course, in his present condition, it's probably better if he doesn't get too involved in governing.

XENA:
     Really... (thinking) Come on, Laertes. I think you can help us out.

CUT TO

The throne room. King Eurystheus is pacing back and forth, literally wearing a hole in the carpet. The long piece of red shag has seen better days. The statue of Inyx has been moved to the throne room. It is dressed in rich garb.

The camera pans back to show a courtier on his knees.

COURTIER:
     Your majesty, pardon my insolence...but I beg you to get rid of statue! Think of all the money you could make if you sold it! Instead, you are plundering the treasury to buy those gorgeous clothes for it!

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     No, I won't.

COURTIER:
     Won't get rid of the statue?

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     Won't pardon your insolence. Guards, take him away.

The guards standing at the door glance at each other a little doubtfully but then come over and grab the courtier.

COURTIER (being dragged off):
     No, no. Nooooo!!

CUT TO

Xena hiding behind a curtain waiting for the guards to leave. The doors finally shut and she steps out.

KING EURYSTHEUS (startled):
     What do you want?

XENA:
     I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse.

KING EURYSTHEUS (lewd grin):
     Oh really?

XENA (rolls her eyes, then pulls Laertes out from behind the curtain, holding her chakram to his throat):
     The statue for your son.

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     Keep my son, he's not worth half as much as that statue.

XENA:
     Such a caring father. Okay then, what about your life for the statue?

She points the chakram at him.

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     Is that supposed to scare me?

XENA (smiles sweetly):
     No, but this is.

She send her chakram flying at him but at the last minute it separates. One side goes for a wall and the other for the statue. The statue falls of its pedestal and lands on the stone floor with a crash.

KING EURYSTHEUS (blanches):
     You will regret that!

AUTOLYCUS:
     No, she won't.

The thief steps out of the shadows, followed by Gabrielle and Anticlea.

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     Autolycus...my, my...it's been a while. Your offspring tried to steal my statue. Your idea, no doubt?

ANTICLEA:
     He had nothing to do with it!

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     How sweet. She's standing up for you.

XENA:
     Are we going to stand around all day and talk?

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     Now where are my manners? Guards!

A group of guards rush in with swords drawn.

Xena

Xena smiles like a cat who just got the cream and draws her sword. Gabrielle pulls out her sais and they both rush to meet the guards. The fight begins.

LAERTEUS (trying to shout over the sound of clashing swords):
     Father, you've got to stop this madness. Your obsession with this statue is ruining you and the kingdom!

KING EURYSTHEUS:
     And what are you going to do about that?

The camera pans over to the fallen statue and focuses on a crack in its side that the chakram made. Slowly a white light appears to be seeping out. Suddenly the white light turns into a ball of light and that in turn turns into a white dove. Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus, Anticlea and the guards all stop in their tracks and watch. The bird flies out the window and disappears.

ANTICLEA:
     The story was true! The nymph's soul really was imprisoned in the statue!

KING EURYSTHEUS (screams and runs toward the statue):
     No, no, no, no! My statue, my beautiful statue has lost its soul! (he cradles the statue in his arms, then turns to Xena, sniveling) You, you...you broke my toy! (breaks into loud childlike sobs)

LAERTEUS (to the guards):
     The King isn't well. Take him to his chambers!

The guards hesitate, but then two of them come up to the king, take him by the arms and lead him away as he continues to cry.

LAERTEUS:
     That was easier than I thought.

XENA:
     Do you wish to claim the throne?

LAERTEUS:
     Can I do that?

XENA (shakes her head):
     In your father's condition... I don't think anyone would mind.

The remaining guards look at each other, then salute Laertes.

GUARDS (in a chorus):
     Your royal majesty!

LAERTEUS (flabbergasted):
     Wow...I mean...wow.

GABRIELLE (quietly to Xena):
     You think he's ready to be the king?

LAERTEUS (to the guards):
     All right...go to the dungeons and release everyone my father has imprisoned for speaking out against him!

HEAD GUARD:
     Yes, sire.

The guards leave.

XENA (quietly to Gabrielle):
     He's getting off to a pretty good start.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus and Anticlea walking out through the city gates. The same two guards are still there, engrossed in conversation.

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #1:
     I'm telling you, they conceal too much of a woman's figure...

GUARD OUTSIDE GATE #2:
     Personally, I think kimonos look very ladylike.

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus smirk at each other as they walk past the guards.

GABRIELLE:
     So Anticlea, you think you might come back to visit Laertes?

ANTICLEA (blushes):
     Maybe.

AUTOLYCUS:
     No way!

ANTICLEA:
     Daddy...I'm a big girl.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Yeah, that's precisely what I'm worried about. (catching her exasperated look) Okay, okay...we'll see.

XENA:
     I have to say this has been the strangest day I've had in a long time.

GABRIELLE (mischievously):
     You mean, stranger than the day Theias cast that spell and--

XENA (curtly):
     I hear you.

AUTOLYCUS:
     What are you on about? What's that about a spell?

XENA (with exaggerated enthusiasm):
     But that's enough about us! Autolycus, my friend, let's talk about you... (their voices fade as they walk away) ...we've got so much catching up to do...

FADE OUT

THE END

[Gabrielle never did get her Indian food. She is still looking for a good place that offers camp delivery.]



















Xena: Warrior Princess
Shipper Seasons
Season 7

Episode 15
Princess of Thieves


Story By: Tali
Written By: Tali
Collage By: Aurora
Images Gathered By: Aurora


Cast

XenaLucy Lawless
GabrielleRenee O'Connor
AutolycusBruce Campbell
AnticleaKylie Hill
King EurystheusJoshua Green
ZeusCharles Keating
HeraMeg Foster
HephaestusJulius Garner
OracleSylvia Combs
InyxTania Anne Marks
LaertesStanely Jensen
Guard #1Ryan Elliot
PenelopeShauna Halliwell
Young King EurystheusBen Magus
Guard Outside Gate #1Hossy Aimes
Guard Outside Gate #2Peter Marc Cook



Original Airdate

February 23, 2002


Gabrielle never did get her Indian food. She is still looking for a good place that offers camp delivery.






DEDICATED TO
KEVIN SMITH





All characters and storylines that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess are a copyright and trademark of Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement was intended during the writing of this script. All original characters and storylines are a copyright of the respective authors and of the Shipper Seasons. No script may be reproduced on a website elsewhere without the author's consent.




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