ACT TWO

FADE IN

The campsite. Trees rustle in the wind. We hear a long moan and the camera pans down to reveal Ares and Xena, still clinging together, kissing passionately. Ares breaks the kiss, moves and nibbles Xena's neck and she moans again.

The camera pans over to Gabrielle, who stands on the edge of the clearing carrying firewood, a horrified look on her face.

The sun beats down and a breeze ripples across the stream and the grass. The leaves glitter in the sun and a shadow moves across a branch, falling now on the other side. Suddenly, Gabrielle's look turns from dismay to desire, and she drops the firewood.

GABRIELLE (whispers):
     Ares...

At the same time Xena gasps, pushes Ares off and sits up.

ARES:
     Xena--

Xena rises hastily to her feet, with a dismayed and embarrassed look on her face. He stands as well and tries to hold her, but she steps back and adjusts her clothes.

XENA (clearing her throat):
     Ahem--I think I--uh--got a little carried away. (she laughs nervously)

ARES (angrily):
     I can't believe I fell for this again!

XENA (turns hastily toward Gabrielle):
     Gabrielle! What do you say we--uh--go fishing? (pause) Gabrielle? Gabrielle?

Now it's the bard who's staring at Ares as if entranced. Her eyes growing even larger, she steps toward him. He recoils but she comes close and puts her arms around him, holding him as tightly as she can.

GABRIELLE:
     Oh, Ares!

Ares, for once, is speechless. Gabrielle snuggles close and playfully runs one finger down his chest.

GABRIELLE (to Xena):
     You were right. He is gorgeous...and sexy...and...

She slides her hand up to the back of his head and tries to pull his mouth to hers.

Ares looks at her, at Xena, at her, at Xena, and vanishes in a violent burst of light that somehow manages to look puzzled and angry at the same time.

GABRIELLE:
     Ares! Wait, don't leave me!

In a frenzy, Gabrielle saddles her horse and gallops off. Xena stares after her, shaking her head in bewilderment. Before she can do anything else, Gabrielle comes galloping past her in the opposite direction. Xena whips about, and Gabrielle zooms past yet again. Like a spectator at a tennis match, Xena watches this for a few more laps, then jumps into Argo's saddle and stands in Gabrielle's path, just as she is coming up again.

XENA:
     Hold it.

GABRIELLE (screeching to a halt):
     It? It?! The only one I want to be holding right now is Ares! (wails) And he's gone, gone, go-o-o-o-ne!

XENA:
     That's right, he's gone. Gabrielle, something very strange is going on here...

GABRIELLE:
     Strange? It's wonderful!

XENA ("let's get you out of here"):
     All right... Come on, then.

CUT TO

Xena and Gabrielle ride back into the city, Xena holding the reins of Gabrielle's horse to stop her from riding off in search of Ares. Gabrielle's look is one of dreamy oblivion. Xena, on the other hand, is very much aware of the state of the city. Somehow it seems worse this second time, and the camera lingers on the dilapidated and destroyed buildings, the filth and squalor, the hollow faces of the beggars. They come to a halt.

XENA:
     I think it's high time Iobatas gave us some answers.

GABRIELLE (absently):
     Oh, yeah. Answers. Uh--what were the questions again?

Xena shakes her head.

CUT TO

Xena, pacing back and forth in front of Iobatas's throne. Gabrielle stands nearby, lost in reverie.

XENA:
     I've been listening to you for nearly an hour, and you're still not making sense. Look--I'm a problem solver and you're a man with a problem. We were made for each other. Now tell me what's wrong and let's get it taken care of.

IOBATAS:
     Okay, Okay, have it your way. Come with me.

CUT TO

A small ironclad door high in the castle tower. Xena, Gabrielle and Iobatas appear from a winding staircase and Iobatas gets out a huge set of keys. Xena looks from him to the door--there are at least ten locks there.

XENA:
     Why the high security? (suspiciously) This isn't another monster, is it?

IOBATAS:
     N-no. I'm just--uh--supporting the locksmiths' guild.

He begins to fuss with the locks, looking over at Xena and Gabrielle. His fingers keep slipping. Finally he manages to get the door unlocked.

IOBATAS:
     Here it is.

He looks around cautiously as if "Here" were something that could overhear him, leap out and tear him to pieces. Then he opens the door and ushers Xena and Gabrielle into the room.

CUT TO

A small room piled high with every loopy exercise invention imaginable. There's the Spartan Stair Master, the Athenian Ab-Doer, the Thracian Thigh Master, the Scylla Sit-Up Machine, the Ulysses Untie-Bo Scrolls and so on. Iobatas looks at Xena sheepishly; she looks back in complete bewilderment. Gabrielle frowns.

GABRIELLE:
     What is all this?

IOBATAS:
     It's, they're, ah, the equipment is designed to help me, ah, get in shape.

GABRIELLE (looks skeptically over Iobatas's shape, rather similar to that of a round-shouldered pear):
     I don't think it's helping much.

XENA:
     And this is where the money's been going? This is the problem that's draining the treasury? This is the danger to the kingdom?

IOBATAS (stammers a little):
     I--in a manner of speaking, yes.

XENA (between her teeth):
     Well, I don't particularly care for your manner of speaking. (Pause) Let's have it. Now!

IOBATAS:
     It's difficult to explain.

XENA:
     Try real hard.

IOBATAS:
     Well, it's really about Queenie.

XENA:
     Who?

IOBATAS:
     My queen.

GABRIELLE:
     She doesn't mind being called Queenie? Isn't that a little...condescending?

IOBATAS:
     Well, her parents didn't think so.

XENA:
     Her parents call her Queenie, too?!

IOBATAS:
     They were ambitious.

GABRIELLE:
     But what is her name?

IOBATAS (exasperated):
     Queenie!

At this, the queen comes into the room. She's wearing a caftan glittering with jewels; sandals; her finger and toenails have been stained and she's made up with the latest thing in ancient Greece. If this were the 1950's she'd be wearing cats-eye shaped glasses with rhinestone rims.

QUEENIE (coolly):
     What is so important that you feel the need to yell like a common barkeep, Iobatas? They can hear you in Sparta! (catching sight of Xena and Gabrielle) Oh, hello. I'm Queen Queenie. Funny, isn't it? That I should be named Queenie and turn out--

XENA:
     To be a queen. Hilarious.

QUEENIE (looks around):
     So the secret's out, hmm? I've told him and told him that this stuff is worthless unless he uses it, and probably even then. But nooooooo, he just keeps buying it, filling up the castle with junk! (Queenie glares at Iobatas) It's pointless, stupid and useless, just like you!

She sweeps grandly out of the room as Iobatas stares after her, and then turns to Xena with a miserable look on his face.

IOBATAS:
     You see, we have no heir, and I've gotten so, so...well, look at me! She doesn't want anything to do with me and unless I can, er, ah, entice her back to my bed, we will never have an heir. And the kingdom needs the stability that a viable royal line brings. (he lowers his voice) You know, she was always stubborn and hard to please, but it's gotten much worse since our only son... (sniffles) ...left us.

XENA (moved):
     I'm so sorry. There's nothing worse than losing a child... How did he die?

IOBATAS:
     Oh, he didn't die. He just left us. Said he wanted to go away and find himself.

XENA:
     I take it he's still looking.

IOBATAS:
     Last thing we heard, he had joined the Praise Isis Society and was handing out flowers to people in seaports.

There is a noise in the doorway. Iobatas, Xena and Gabrielle turn to look. Two salesmen are standing there; one is carrying a jug labeled "Salamacan Slim Fast Potion" and the other is dragging a treadmill made out of wood with a belt of leather.

IOBATAS (trying to look like part of the furniture):
     Oh, no.

SALESMAN #1 (brightly):
     Hello, and welcome to our--your beautiful tower. I'm Potus--

SALESMAN #2 (even brighter):
     And I'm Enocrates.

POTUS:
     And boy, do we have a deal for you! For just seven hundred dinars, you can--

XENA:
     Stick this thing up y--

GABRIELLE:
     Xena!

XENA:
     You're right. Actions speak louder than words.

In a blur of kicks, Xena knocks the jug out of Potus's hands and it smashes on the floor. Then she yells her war cry, spins in the air and lands on the treadmill, which she proceeds to hack to bits with her sword. The salesmen back away in horror, then turn and run as she comes after them.

XENA:
     And stay out!

CUT TO

The campsite in mid-afternoon. Xena and Gabrielle are eating.

GABRIELLE:
     So. Any ideas?

XENA:
     Yeah. We'll move into the palace and chase away every traveling salesman who comes along. (she continues to eat, then suddenly perks up) Wait a minute. Ares!

GABRIELLE ("please please please"):
     Ares? Ares is here?

XENA:
     No, he's not. But we need his help.

A silver-blue flash and Ares appears though he remains insubstantial, ready to vanish again instantly. Xena looks at him coolly but Gabrielle's expression turns to a rapt, adoring gaze.

ARES:
     What's the matter, Xena? Want to play some more games?

XENA:
     Actually, this is very serious. Let me explain because I'm going to--well-- (forcing the words out) I'm going to need your help.

Xena starts pacing around the campsite. Meanwhile, Gabrielle sidles up to Ares, who is now fully present, and puts her hand on his arm. He jumps, shakes it off and moves a step away. She comes after him and puts her arm through his. He untangles himself and moves again. Gabrielle stops but stands staring at him adoringly. He tries to focus on Xena but his glance keeps coming back to the bard in a series of takes that show bewilderment, annoyance and disbelief flashing across his features.

ARES (uncomfortable):
     Xena, will you get on with it?

Gabrielle puts her arm around him. He moves away.

XENA:
     Okay, it's like this.

Gabrielle holds his hand. He disentangles his fingers from hers and turns his back on her.

XENA:
     King Iobatas needs an heir, and his queen is unwilling to--er--what are you doing?

Gabrielle has stepped behind Ares and put both arms around him.

ARES:
     Stop it! (to Xena) Go on. (gasping for breath) No, not you!

This last is to Gabrielle who is hugging him as tightly as she can, still behind him. He vanishes and reappears on the other side of the campsite, slightly out of breath.

ARES (to Xena):
     So Iobatas needs an heir and his queen isn't in the mood. Well, that's not exactly my department, is it? Are you sure it's not my sis--stop right there!

He's yelling at the bard, who has begun to sidle towards him again. She stops but continues to stare at him, enraptured.

ARES (to Xena):
     So...what does all this have to do with me?

Gabrielle takes a step towards him, unnoticed.

XENA:
     It's not just that he wants an heir, it's the way he's trying to go about it. His only son has left and he's let himself get out of shape. Not only does the queen blame him for her son's departure, she has no desire for him at all. So he's buying every device known to man to build himself up so that she'll find him desirable again.

Ares starts to grin and even Gabrielle, who's still focused on the God of War, is now smiling.

XENA:
     He can't say no to anyone, and so he buys devices, potions, diet parchments, anything and everything that anyone brings to the castle. That's where the money's going. He's a shopaholic and he can't say no! He's got rooms full of this stuff--and of course it doesn't help him because he never uses it!

Ares starts to laugh; Gabrielle giggles a little, all the while moving closer to Ares again and finally sitting down next to him on a log.

XENA:
     Okay, so it's silly. But it's causing untold misery in the kingdom. We've got to get Iobatas and Queenie together.

ARES (incredulously):
     Queenie?

XENA:
     Don't ask. We've got to get them together, and in order to do that, Iobatas has to actually use the equipment. That's where you come in.

ARES:
     I'm glad to hear that you have such a high opinion of my powers of persuasion, but--

XENA:
     I wasn't suggesting you give him a pep talk. More like a demonstration.

ARES ("the hell you say"):
     What?

XENA:
     C'mon, Ares, you know what you look like. (Gabrielle purrs and leans closer, Ares finally notices her and stands up; Gabrielle falls over onto the log) If you posed as a teacher of gymnastics, told him that's why you look the way you do, and got him to actually use that stuff, our work here would be done.

GABRIELLE (dreamily):
     Why do you look the way you do, Ares? You're the most gorgeous--

ARES:
     Don't you know? We look the way you want us to. (to Xena) Look, Xena, I'm a god.

GABRIELLE (adoring smile):
     You most certainly are!

ARES (gives her an exasperated look):
     I'm not about to pose as some idiotic gymnastics teacher to help some cretin of a king who can't hang onto his own wife!

XENA (seductively):
     Come on, Ares. The kingdom needs stability and order, and an heir will give them that. Once Iobatas and the Queen are happy, he'll stop plundering the treasury to buy every silly invention that comes down the pike and distribute the money as he promised. The town will grow again, and the first thing I'll have him do is build a Temple of Ares.

ARES (starts to waver):
     Well--

XENA (slyly):
     Not only that, but I'm sure Gabrielle will be delighted to help find worshippers for you.

GABRIELLE (completely missing the sarcasm):
     Oh, yes!

ARES (rolls his eyes):
     All right. (pause) Why do I let you talk me into this stuff? This is just like the time you dragged me to that farm.

XENA (snaps her fingers, smiling):
     Oh, that reminds me. You'll have to pretend to be mortal.

ARES (sighs):
     Why am I not surprised?

XENA:
     If Iobatas knows who you are, he'll be much too intimidated. Besides, he'll think that he'll never be able to reach your level.

GABRIELLE (snorts):
     Of course he won't!

XENA:
     You know that and I know that but Iobatas doesn't have to know it! Let's go.

ARES (glances at Gabrielle, who is starting to sidle up to him again, then to Xena):
     I'd rather not walk this time, if it's all the same to you. I don't have to start pretending to be mortal just yet, do I?

XENA (smiles):
     No, I think a shortcut to town would be nice. (suddenly thinks of something) Wait a minute, Ares. If you're going to pose as a gym teacher, you have to look the part. The leather's gotta go.

GABRIELLE (perks up):
     All of it?

ARES (gives her a nervous glance):
     Um....Xena, I don't spend a lot of time hanging out with gym teachers. You'll have to give me some tips here.

XENA:
     Okay. Sandals...

At the same time that Ares snaps his fingers, Gabrielle pipes up again.

GABRIELLE:
     And a loincloth!

In the next second, Ares is standing in the middle of the campsite wearing nothing but sandals and a black loincloth. Gabrielle whimpers a little.

XENA (stares at Ares a little longer than necessary):
     Mmm--that's not what I had in mind, Ares.

ARES (irritably):
     Well, it's what somebody had in mind. (to Gabrielle) Would you keep your fantasies to yourself while I'm trying to work?

XENA:
     Just a pair of pants and a towel.

Ares snaps his fingers again and is instantly changed into tight black pants, with a black towel slung over his shoulder.

XENA:
     That's great. Only I was thinking a white towel.

Ares snaps his fingers again, changing the towel to white.

GABRIELLE (dreamily):
     You look--

ARES (cuts her off impatiently):
     Yeah, yeah, let's get out of here.

They all disappear in a flash of light.

CUT TO

Ares, Xena and Gabrielle walking down the street, Ares attracting the stares of some female passersby. Gabrielle is still trying to cling to Ares. Just then, they see Theias walking toward them. Seeing Gabrielle, the young man smiles with delight.

THEIAS:
     Gabrielle! It's wonderful to see you again. I had no idea you were here.

GABRIELLE (a princess to a common swine):
     Hello.

THEIAS:
     Gabrielle--

He stops, suddenly aware that Gabrielle is hanging on Ares' arm. He looks from Ares to the bard and back again, disappointment plain on his face.

THEIAS:
     I see.

GABRIELLE (dryly):
     I'm so glad. Then I don't have to explain it to you.

Theias looks crushed. He shakes his head silently and stalks off.

XENA:
     Gabrielle! What was that? I thought you liked him!

GABRIELLE:
     Oh come on! Who'd take Theias if she could have--

XENA:
     Careful!

GABRIELLE (leans against Ares):
     This.

ARES:
     Hey! Hey! Who said you could have this? Can we just get on with it? People are staring.

GABRIELLE:
     Of course they are! I bet they've never seen anyone so gorgeous...dreamy...so perfect.

ARES:
     Ah-huh... You'd better stop that. I'm beginning to like it.

XENA (glares):
     Well, you'd better not get too used to it. Come on, Gabrielle, that's enough.

The three of them head for the palace.

CUT TO

The throne room.

XENA:
     Iobatas, I'd like you meet Bellus, my very dear friend. (Gabrielle gives her a look that would slay dragons) He's used such equipment for years, and you can see what it's done for him!

She looks meaningfully at Ares. He sighs and flexes his biceps.

IOBATAS:
     Well, I don't know...

XENA:
     Do you want to win Queenie back or not? Do you want an heir to the throne or not? You've got to work at it if you do!

Queenie comes in and stops dead. Her cheeks flush a little under the make-up. Gabrielle gives her a nasty look.

XENA (to Iobatas):
     What have you got to lose?

IOBATAS (resigned):
     All right, Bellus, show me how these things work.

ARES:
     Come on then.

GABRIELLE:
     Wait! I know you men, you'll be gone forever, I just know it. So before you go--

She runs to Ares and throws her arms around him, then raises her face to his.

GABRIELLE (femme fatale):
     Kiss me, you fool!

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO