7.14 Two For One

ACT THREE

FADE IN

The throne room. Gabrielle is in Ares' arms. Everyone else is frozen, staring at the two of them. Iobatas is frowning, Queenie looks disappointed, and Xena is furious. A guard dashes into the room.

GUARD:
     Your majesty! Your majesty! The encyclopedia salesmen are coming!

IOBATAS (horrified):
     Oh, no, they're the absolute worst!

Iobatas turns and runs.

Queenie and Xena exchange a worried glance and Gabrielle moves a tiny bit closer to Ares. At that moment, a shadow falls through the window as the lower limb of the sun touches the horizon: it's begun to set.

Gabrielle blinks, then gasps, backs up and pushes Ares away.

GABRIELLE:
     Ares? What are you doing? (clutches her head) What am I doing?

Ares opens his mouth to say something and finds himself speechless once again. He looks from Xena to Gabrielle, shrugs, and goes after Iobatas, with a look that says, "might as well get this over with." Queenie trails along, leaving Xena and Gabrielle alone.

XENA:
     Welcome back.

GABRIELLE:
     What was that?

XENA:
     I have no idea, but if we stay here long enough, someone will probably try to sell us a cure.

The noise outside gets louder. Xena and Gabrielle exchange a nervous look.

GABRIELLE (small voice):
     I think they heard you.

Shouts of "cheap!" and "today only!" are heard.

XENA and GABRIELLE:
     Let's get out of here!

CUT TO

The exercise room. Iobatas is panting and straining, a pained look on his face, as Ares leads him through the routines. Iobatas stops, and when the noise of the exercise machines ceases for a moment, he becomes aware of the noise outside.

IOBATAS (eagerly):
     It sounds like there's real trouble there. I'd better go, uh, do my duty.

Despite being out of shape, he makes such a quick exit that Ares follows him with a surprised look. Ares shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

The camera pans over to Queenie, who is peering from around the pile of equipment.

QUEENIE:
     Hey there.

ARES (an "oh swell" look crosses his face):
     Uh, hi.

Queenie saunters over and circles around him, admiring him. He turns with her, keeping his eye on her as she preens for him.

QUEENIE:
     So...do you really think you can get that tub of lard in shape? I mean, will he have muscles like this? (she caresses his bicep) Or this? (she touches his chest) Or...

Ares grabs her hand before she can touch anything else.

ARES:
     If he works at it he can certainly improve his condition.

QUEENIE:
     But it will take a while, won't it?

ARES (improvising wildly):
     Everyone, ah, progresses at their own rate. Improvement isn't instantaneous, obviously, it takes time. But he'll, ah, feel better about himself from the beginning.

QUEENIE:
     And will you be here to help him?

She threads the fingers of the hand he's holding through his, and bats her eyelashes at him. It's Greba squared and he nearly groans aloud.

QUEENIE:
     I mean, if he did it wrong he could injure himself, couldn't he? (she moves closer, still holding his hand) And considering what this is all about (closer) the last thing we want (she's leaning against him now) is an injury. Of any kind.

Queenie kisses Ares square on the mouth just as Xena, Gabrielle and Iobatas come running back into the room.

Queenie is hanging on Ares' neck like an ornament on a Christmas tree, but he's as wooden as the pine itself. His eyes are open and his hands are at his sides. When they come in, he holds out his arms in an "I'm innocent here" gesture.

XENA:
     Look, ma, no hands.

IOBATAS:
     Guards! Arrest that man!

ARES:
     What?!

He gives Xena an exasperated and somewhat plaintive look, as if asking, "Do I have to keep pretending to be mortal?"

XENA:
     Bellus! Leave this to me!

Ares glares at her but subsides and the guards lead him away.

IOBATAS (calls after them):
     Chain him up!

QUEENIE:
     Iobatas--

IOBATAS:
     If you say one word I'll send you to the dungeon with him. (Queenie does not look at all averse to the idea) Now get to your room! (turning to a guard) You! Go with her and lock her in!

Queenie opens her mouth to protest, thinks better of it, and goes. Iobatas, Xena and Gabrielle walk back to the throne room. Iobatas stands puffing and blowing while Xena and Gabrielle look at him in alarm.

GABRIELLE:
     Are you all right?

IOBATAS:
     I will be, once I have him whipped within an inch of his life!

XENA (smirks):
     Well, in that case, I'm afraid you're not going to be all right.

They are interrupted by a growing rumble that resolves itself into a babble of excited voices.

IOBATAS:
     It's those wretched encyclopedia salesmen. Bar the doors!

But there's no one left to bar the doors. The guards are either taking "Bellus" to the dungeon or Queenie to her chambers. The salesmen burst into the room, waving scrolls and shouting. Xena and Gabrielle step between Iobatas and the mob.

XENA:
     Quiet! Quiet! (takes her chakram from her belt and hurls it so that it zooms just over the heads of the salesmen, ricochets off the wall, around the room and back to her. The salesmen shut up immediately) That's better. Now, what do you want here?

FLACCUS:
     Who are you?

XENA:
     My name is Xena.

The salesmen murmur among themselves; this is not what they were counting on. They take a step backwards.

FLACCUS:
     Stand still! (to Xena) We're not here to see you, we're here to see him. (gesturing at Iobatas who's more or less cowering) We have an offer he can't refuse.

Iobatas tries to back away--into a pillar.

Encyclopedia salesmen

FLACCUS (ignores both Xena and Gabrielle and concentrates on the weak link):
     Your Majesty, I am here to offer you an extraordinary opportunity. You can rule wisely and well if you take advantage of this offer. Look! (he unrolls a scroll with a flourish and waves it under the king's nose) See? This is the Alpha Scroll, the first in a series of 24, one for each letter of the alphabet. In these scrolls you'll find all the wisdom of the ancients! Why, there is information in here you won't find anywhere else, including the Library at Alexandria! You can't be your best without this--

IOBATAS:
     What do you call it?

FLACCUS (smarmy):
     This is the Encyclopedia Aegea, Your Majesty, and it is crammed full--

VOLUMNUS:
     Of crap! You don't want that inferior product, King Iobatas, you want this instead. This is the Encyclopedia Romanus, and it is far superior to the Aegea, trust me on this. It's newer, handier to use--

DECUS:
     And just as full of crap as the Aegea! What you really need, Sire, is this! (he displays a much larger scroll, full of small print--it's obviously crammed with information) This is the Encyclopedia Britannicus, and it's the very best in the world. And it's yours on an installment plan.

IOBATAS (weakly):
     Installment plan?

DECUS:
     Why yes. You don't need to buy all the scrolls at once, you can by Alpha now, Beta next month, Gamma the month after that, and so on, all the way to Omega. And if you sign up now, with me, I'll throw in--at no extra charge (he whips an object from his bag and holds it up) this brand new, easy to use, orange juicer!

Iobatas's eyes begin to gleam with an unholy light. He stands and moves toward the salesmen, obviously entranced.

GABRIELLE:
     No! No. Your Majesty, you can't do this!

XENA:
     What are you going to do with the encyclopedias? Use them to cover the exercise equipment?

The salesmen begin to converge on Iobatas, moving in until he's surrounded and chattering at him, waving their scrolls. An overhead shot makes him look like a piece of meat in the middle of a school of piranhas.

XENA (quiet and calm but her voice cuts through the bedlam like a knife):
     Gentlemen. The king has no need of any of your materials. Leave quietly and do it now.

FLACCUS:
     There are twenty of us.

XENA:
     And your point is?

Gabrielle rolls her eyes and braces herself.

FLACCUS:
     You think you're good enough to take us all?

XENA (smiling):
     Shall we find out?

Instantly the room erupts in a fight. Xena does a back flip over Flaccus's head, lands behind him and yanks the strap of his bag down over his arms, pinning him. She kicks his legs out from under him and gives him a kick. He rolls across the floor, knocking down the other salesman as he goes. Some jump aside, two dash out the door, three more leap out of the window, but the others gather themselves together and make a counterattack. Xena meets the charge and Gabrielle wades into the fray, using her sais to block their blows and poking them in the sides. Sounds of 'oof' and 'ka-pow' are heard. Iobatas is staring at the fracas without moving, then he suddenly yells for his guards.

The guards charge in and help Xena and Gabrielle mop up the last of the mob. They push them out of the room and bar the doors. Flaccus is lying under the window trying to wriggle out of the straps. He can't manage it, but he does get to his feet and stands there, swaying, his arms trapped at his sides. He flaps like a seal and yells.

FLACCUS:
     You'll pay for this! I promise you will!

XENA:
     How about an installment plan?

Xena knocks him over like one of those dolls with all the weight in the bottom and rolls him toward the doors. She signals to the guards; they unbar the doors and throw them open, and Xena rolls Flaccus through the doors and gives him a shove. He goes rolling down the corridor, yelling, "Damn!" with every revolution. The last time, however, it sounds less like 'I'll get you for this' and more like 'I feel sick'. Xena comes back into the room, sits down at a table, and brushes her hands together in a 'that's taken care of' gesture.

IOBATAS:
     Thank you! You've saved me from a horrible mistake. I was, ah, weakening there for a moment.

GABRIELLE:
     No, really?

IOBATAS (stung):
     Watch your mouth! One more thing. (he turns to the guards) If any of those bums come back, spear to kill!

XENA (her feet on the table):
     Peace, it's wonderful.

CUT TO

The defeated encyclopedia salesmen gather outside the palace.

FLACCUS (his voice a little wobbly, a greenish pallor on his face):
     All right. Now, it's war!

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle, Iobatas and the guards are still enjoying the glow from winning the fight. There's an additional glow from the torches, since it's now dark. Dinner is brought in.

XENA:
     You know, Iobatas, considering that we bailed you out... (pauses for emphasis) ...again...the least you can do is release...my friend.

IOBATAS (stubbornly):
     I'm not letting him go, Xena, and that's final. Not until I find out what's between him and Queenie.

GABRIELLE:
     Why, nothing, of course! Queenie just got a little carried away. (she blushes furiously) I guess he can--uh--have that effect on women. (she shakes her head slightly, remembering her own obsession; the look on her face says, "What came over me?")

IOBATAS (grumbling):
     Maybe, we'll see. Bring that, that...home wrecker here! And get Queenie as well. We'll have them confront one another and see what happens.

The guards leave.

IOBATAS (to Xena):
     So I guess you're pretty fond of this...Bellus.

Xena

XENA (a bit too hastily):
     He's an--old friend, that's all.

IOBATAS (hopefully):
     Boyfriend?

XENA:
     Of course not! (she catches Gabrielle's sly glance) Not a word out of you!

GABRIELLE (innocently):
     Why, did you think I was going to say something?

A guard comes into the room, looking deeply puzzled.

IOBATAS:
     Well? Where's Bellus?

GUARD (stammering):
     Your M-majesty...he's, er, not there.

IOBATAS:
     What do you mean, not there?

GUARD:
     Sire...his cell was empty.

Xena and Gabrielle smirk at each other.

IOBATAS:
     That can't be! No one has ever escaped from the palace dungeon. (looks suspiciously at Xena) What do you know about this?

Xena's at a loss for words, but before either she or Iobatas can say anything else, they are interrupted by a second guard who comes running into the room, a look of horror on his face and a piece of parchment in his hand.

GUARD #2:
     Your Majesty! Your Majesty!

IOBATAS:
     What is it now?

GUARD #2 (holds out the parchment):
     It's the queen, Sire. She's gone! She's been taken hostage by the encyclopedia salesmen!

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE