ACT FOUR

FADE IN

A street in Lycia, illuminated by torches. It is still dark, though the first glimmer of daylight is visible in the sky. Xena and Gabrielle are walking down the street.

GABRIELLE:
     Where are we going to look for her?

XENA:
     We're heading to the marketplace. Some of the vendors have to know where the encyclopedia gang hangs out.

CUT TO

The marketplace, where the few vendors still in business are opening their stalls. Xena and Gabrielle come up to the edge of the square just as the sun rises, and a dreamy look comes suddenly over Xena's face.

XENA:
     I was thinking, Gabrielle...Ares could really help us out with this.

GABRIELLE (groans):
     Not again!

XENA (in a seductive sing-song):
     Aaa-res!

Ares flashes in, looking exasperated.

ARES:
     Now what? Any more brilliant plans you want to get me involved in?

XENA (sighing happily):
     Oh, Ares.

GABRIELLE:
     Oh, Xena!

ARES:
     Oh, no!

She puts her arms around him and kisses him hard.

ARES (pulls back):
     What is this? Drive Ares Crazy Week?

He turns around, walks away and vanishes. Xena sprints after him, with Gabrielle in hot pursuit.

GABRIELLE:
     Xena!

XENA:
     Ares! Come back here!

GABRIELLE:
     Xena, what are you doing? You can't chase after someone who's disappeared... He's probably back on Olympus by now!

XENA:
     Well, he went in this direction!

CUT TO

A street corner. Theias is walking down the street, guiding Polyeidus. Turning a corner, Xena and Gabrielle run smack into them and they all wind up in a heap on the ground. After some scuffling, they disentangle themselves. Theias is the first to recover.

THEIAS (overjoyed):
     Gabrielle! (then he remembers, and his attitude changes) Um--are you all right?

GABRIELLE:
     I'm fine. I'm so glad to see you, Theias.

THEIAS (a little bitterly):
     I'd never have known it from the way you acted yesterday. You were plastered all over some big tall guy...

XENA (dreamy):
     Oh yes--big, tall, gorgeous...

THEIAS (puzzled):
     So he's with Xena? Gabrielle, I thought you and he--

XENA (growls):
     Don't even think about it!

GABRIELLE:
     I'm not thinking about it!

THEIAS:
     But...what about yesterday?

GABRIELLE:
     Well...yesterday, I was...sort of...for part of the day, at least.

Polyeidus' face changes, as if he has just realized something.

POLYEIDUS:
     Wait a minute. Gabrielle, are you saying that half the day, you're smitten with this man, and the other half Xena is?

XENA (squirms):
     Well...yeah....that's what it looks like.

GABRIELLE (blushes furiously):
     I guess so.

POLYEIDUS (sighs):
     I love you, Theias, but sometimes you are such a dolt!

THEIAS:
     What'd I do?

POLYEIDUS:
     That scroll you found, you cast a spell with it, that's what!

XENA and GABRIELLE (simultaneously):
     What kind of spell?

POLYEIDUS (suddenly realizing he'll have to spill the beans):
     Ah, er--

THEIAS:
     Come on, father, let's have it!

POLYEIDUS:
     Once upon a time--

GABRIELLE:
     Good beginning!

XENA:
     Hush!

POLYEIDUS (hesitant):
     Yes, well, once upon a time I, that is, a friend of mine was in love with two women. He couldn't make up his mind between the two, and so he, well, he cast a spell so that he could be with one of them in the morning and the other in the afternoon, and they would both absolutely adore me--I mean, him. (he smiles with fond recollection) It was like Olympus on earth--I mean, it must have been like Olympus on earth, for, ah, my friend.

XENA (unable to suppress a grin):
     Sure. Go on.

POLYEIDUS:
     Well, that's it. My son found the scroll with the spell. I took it from him, but he must have snuck up while I slept and taken it back--isn't that right, Theias? (he turns his unseeing eyes toward his son)

THEIAS (looks down, turning crimson):
     Uh...well...yes.

GABRIELLE:
     But, but--why us?

POLYEIDUS:
     Well, Gabrielle, obviously Theias was thinking of you at the time. (Gabrielle looks fondly at Theias and he turns away, blushing even more if that's humanly possible) And Xena, I suppose, was in close proximity to Gabrielle when the spell was cast, so she was the other woman affected.

XENA:
     But...why him?

POLYEIDUS:
     The spell works so that both of the women fall in love with the first man they see in the morning after it was cast.

GABRIELLE (groans):
     Why do all spells seem to do that? Is it some sort of law of nature?

POLYEIDUS (seizing the opportunity):
     Well, actually, you see--when you're casting a long-distance spell--

XENA:
     Never mind that! How do we reverse it?

POLYEIDUS:
     Well...I have the reverse spell written down on a scroll. But it may take a while to find it.

XENA:
     So in the meantime, I'll be wildly in love with Ar--with, uh, that man in the mornings--

GABRIELLE:
     And I'll adore him in the afternoons?

THEIAS:
     At least you get the nights off.

XENA and GABRIELLE (simultaneously):
     Oh, great!

CUT TO

The marketplace, later the same morning. Xena, Gabrielle, Polyeidus and Theias are walking.

GABRIELLE:
     What if you can't find the scroll with the reverse spell? Does that mean we're stuck like this forever?

POLYEIDUS:
     What kind of man do you think I am, to permanently ensnare unsuspecting women--uh, what I mean is, my friend... (he realizes no one is buying that story and waves his hand in an "I give up" gesture) Oh, the spell will just "wear off"--eventually.

XENA (grits her teeth):
     How long?

POLYEIDUS:
     I don't know. Never got to that point, myself-- (apologetic) short attention span. Could be days, months, years--

Gabrielle groans.

THEIAS (sheepishly):
     I'm really sorry, Gabrielle...um...and Xena.

XENA (brusquely):
     All right, spells can wait. We need to find Queenie, remember?

THEIAS:
     The queen is lost?

GABRIELLE:
     No, kidnapped. And we have to find her.

XENA:
     Yeah, yeah, but more to the point, we...no, I need to find Ares. Really need to find him. Right-- (she bites her lip and her eyes widen) --now.

She shakes herself, then starts off at a run, startling the others. Theias and Gabrielle look at each other then run after her--by now she is nowhere to be seen.

GABRIELLE:
     Xena, wait! What's the point of looking for--

The camera pans over to the shadow of the giant sun dial in the market square just as it crosses the noon mark. Gabrielle stops in mid-stride.

GABRIELLE (dreamy):
     Ares.

Theias rams into her.

THEIAS:
     Who?!

Gabrielle steps away, frowns, looks left and right, completely ignores Theias and runs in the direction Xena went.

GABRIELLE:
     Xena! Yell when you've found him!

THEIAS:
     Gabrielle!

POYEIDUS (behind them):
     Theias!

GABRIELLE:
     Ares!

They round a corner, Gabrielle in the lead, Theias running after her and Polyeidus tapping along in their wake as best he can, grumbling to himself. Soon, a half-dozen townsfolk are running behind them as well, trying to see what's going on.

CUT TO

A littered courtyard in a run-down part of town. The buildings surrounding the court lean drunkenly against each other, and several have rooms that overhang the pavement. It's an altogether nasty place.

Xena is standing in the center of the courtyard, frowning.

There is an explosion of noise and Gabrielle appears in the mouth of the alley leading from the street, followed by Theias, the whole mob of people running after them.

THEIAS:
     Wait!

GABRIELLE:
     Ares!

XENA:
     Gabrielle!

Gabrielle sees Xena and stops, Theias nearly runs into her but stops as well, and the mob trips over its collective feet and goes down. There's a good deal of thrashing and muttering, then the mob gets up sheepishly, looks around, sees nothing and goes away.

Gabrielle looks around the enclosed courtyard, her face falls. Theias looks at her, concerned.

GABRIELLE (wails):
     He's gone, gone, go-o-o-one! (stamps her foot) He's not here.

XENA (distractedly):
     No. But someone else is.

THEIAS:
     Yeah. Me.

GABRIELLE:
     I don't want someone else, I only want Ar--

She's cut off when Xena clamps a hand over her mouth.

XENA:
     Shhhh!

She points over Gabrielle's shoulder, down the alley. The camera pans around to show the leader of the encyclopedia salesmen making his way stealthily toward them.

Xena pulls Gabrielle after her and Theias joins them as they duck into a doorway. Flaccus passes by without seeing them. There are a few strange sounds, then Xena peeks out cautiously to see where he's gone. The alley is empty. Flaccus has vanished.

XENA (mutters):
     Strange. Men shouldn't just vanish.

GABRIELLE:
     Tell me about it! Vanishing needs a touch of godly finesse... (blissfully) Ares has it down to an art form!

Theias' eyes widen in sudden comprehension.

THEIAS:
     That man is Ares? As in Ares, God of War? (off Gabrielle's "duh" look) Oh. But hang on...so he's Ares...then how could Flaccus have vanished? (suspiciously) He's not a god, too, is he?

XENA:
     Oh, he hasn't vanished. We just need to look harder.

She stands and looks carefully at the courtyard, checking out every possible exit. The doors to all the buildings are boarded up, the stairways closed off--there seems no way out. Then she points to a pile of crates heaped untidily in a corner.

She draws her sword. Gabrielle grabs her sais and Theias picks up a piece of wood. The three surround the pile and at Xena's silent signal, they snatch the crates away from the wall to reveal--nothing. The corner is completely paved, offering no hiding place or escape route.

Frustrated, the three turn to leave when Xena sees something sparkling in the dust. She walks over and picks it up: it's a jewel from Queenie's caftan.

Once again Xena looks around carefully, and as she does she notices something: one of the overhanging upper stories looks odd. She makes a square out of her fingers and peers through it (think of a director framing a shot). She checks again and then points it out to the others: the shape of the building is all wrong: there's a hidden room between the overhanging part and the main building.

XENA (loudly):
     I don't know where Flaccus could have gotten to, but we've lost him. Come along, we might as well get some rest.

She leads the others down the alley away from the courtyard. Then they turn and tiptoe back. Quickly the three gather the crates together and place them under the overhang, then set them on fire. The wood is damp and there's a lot of smoke, which is exactly what Xena wants. As soon as the fire is blazing and smoke is billowing up towards the building, the three start to yell.

GABRIELLE:
     Fire! Fire! Fire!

THEIAS:
     Help! Get out, the building's on fire!

A cunningly hidden trapdoor opens in the floor of the overhang and the encyclopedia salesmen tumble out, helter-skelter, dragging Queenie with them. They stop dead when they see the burning crates, but it's too late: Xena, Gabrielle and Theias attack.

Xena is legendary, of course, and Gabrielle can hold her own, but Theias isn't much of a fighter. Besides, dozens of miscreants are pouring from the hideaway like cockroaches, and the odds aren't good.

Soon, however, it becomes apparent that someone is helping our heroes, because the salesmen are falling down a lot, tripping over their own feet, and dropping their weapons...almost as if some invisible entity were knocking their swords from their hands.

XENA (grins):
     I don't really need your help, you know.

ARES (only she hears him):
     You're welcome.

A few minutes later and the thugs are tied and on their way to the magistrate under guard and Queenie is on her way back to the palace, accompanied by her three rescuers.

CUT TO

The sun is setting behind Iobatas' palace. Iobatas and Queenie are standing on the porch, looking for all the world to see like newlyweds. Xena, Gabrielle and Theias are about to leave.

QUEENIE:
     I can never thank you enough. When those-- (shudders) --salespeople carried me away, I thought I was going to die! And I realized... (wipes away a tear) ...just how shallow I have been. (looks fondly at Iobatas who is gazing back adoringly) The truth is, I love my darling Iobatas just as he is. (to the king) Don't ever change, you gorgeous thing, you!

The king and queen kiss.

Gabrielle, Xena and Theias exchange an amused look that swiftly turns to one of slightly embarrassed appreciation as the royal couple's embrace grows more and more passionate: Gabrielle's eyebrows rise, Theias blushes, then they look away.

XENA:
     Looks like our work here is done.

GABRIELLE:
     You can say that again!

All three turn to walk away from the palace. In the background, the image of the king and queen is now scrambled for the sake of propriety.

Theias stops and pulls something from his pocket--a small scroll. The camera focuses on it as he unrolls it.

THEIAS (apologetic):
     The spell to remove the charm. (offering it to Gabrielle) You'd better read it. I don't want to mess it up.

GABRIELLE:
     No, no--you should read it. (smiles a little at him) I trust you.

Xena opens her mouth to object, then thinks better of it.

THEIAS:
     Okay... (starts reading) God-d-dess of des-desire...

A close up of Xena and Gabrielle--both squeeze their eyes shut, as though bracing themselves for a blow.

CUT TO

The campsite by the stream, after dark. Xena and Gabrielle are sitting by the fire with Ares, who is looking from one to the other and back again, finally settling on Xena.

ARES:
     So it was all a spell.

XENA:
     Right.

ARES:
     And you don't really want to darn my socks. (off Xena's look) No, I guess not.

GABRIELLE:
     Watch it, Ares, if you're not careful, she will cook you breakfast. (threatening) Every morning.

Ares gives Xena a horrified look; Xena scowls and elbows Gabrielle, who tries to look innocent and fails miserably. Ares reaches over and scoops Xena into an embrace, planting a kiss on the side of her head; Gabrielle yelps and gets out of the way. Xena beats him off, laughing.

ARES:
     Don't worry-- (he pushes a strand of hair back from Xena's face) --I can cook well enough for both of us.

XENA:
     You can?

ARES (smirks):
     I have many skills.

Xena chuckles affectionately. There is a long pause as they look into each other's eyes.

ARES:
     So it was just the spell...there's nothing else.

XENA (haughtily):
     Of course not.

She shivers slightly as Ares brushes his hand against her face.

ARES:
     Speaking of skills, you used to be a much better liar.

He disappears.

GABRIELLE (after the flash):
     He does have that vanishing thing down to an art, doesn't he?

XENA:
     Yeah...

GABRIELLE (suspiciously):
     Are you sure that spell is gone?

XENA:
     Oh, it's gone. (under her breath) Unfortunately.

GABRIELLE:
     What?!

FADE OUT

THE END

[If anyone would like to purchase the Spartan Stair Master, the Athenian Ab-Doer, the Thracian Thigh Master, the Scylla Sit-Up Machine or the Ulysses Untie-Bo Scrolls please call 1-800-LOOK-LIKE-A-GOD.]

Xena: Warrior Princess Shipper Seasons Season 7 Episode 14 Two For One Story By: Karla Von Huben Written By: Karla Von Huben Edited By: LadyKate and Tango Collage By: Aurora Images Gathered By: Aurora Cast Xena Lucy Lawless Gabrielle Renee O'Connor Ares Kevin Smith Iobatas Robert Temms Polyedius George Harmeness Theias Matt Von Queenie Cal Wilson Merchant Ian Frans Potus Clayton Pye Enocrates Ryan Bogle Flaccus Brad Grifth Volumnus Ian Prince Decus Spencer Roskelley Diomedes Doug Daniel Lorus Brandit Corral Original Airdate February 9, 2002 If anyone would like to purchase the Spartan Stair Master, the Athenian Ab-Doer, the Thracian Thigh Master, the Scylla Sit-Up Machine or the Ulysses Untie-Bo Scrolls please call 1-800-LOOK-LIKE-A-GOD. DEDICATED TO KEVIN SMITH All characters and storylines that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess are a copyright and trademark of Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement was intended during the writing of this script. All original characters and storylines are a copyright of the respective authors and of the Shipper Seasons. No script may be reproduced on a website elsewhere without the author's consent. © Shipper Seasons www.shipperseasons.com

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