7.04 Five In the Bed and the Little One Said...


ACT ONE

FADE IN

Xena and Gabrielle are riding along, Argo looks unimpressed.

GABRIELLE (turns to Xena):
     Are you sure you want to go to the farm?

XENA (gets a confused look):
     Why wouldn't I?

GABRIELLE:
     Well, I just thought that you might feel a little uncomfortable there. After all, it's where Ares lived as a mortal. I bet you can still smell him all over the place.

XENA (laughs):
     We need somewhere to stay before we meet up with Eve in a week. The farm is in the perfect location.

GABRIELLE:
     I suppose so. (fidgets in her saddle)

XENA:
     Are you sure that's all?

GABRIELLE (takes a deep breath):
     I've been having this dream. It's pretty silly, Xena; I don't even know why it's bothering me. It's just so real.

XENA (rolls her eyes at Gabrielle):
     If it bothers you so much tell me about it.

GABRIELLE (looks at Xena and a small look of fear passes over her features):
     I dreamt that I (mumbles) touched Ares. You know, touched him. (meaningful embarrassed look) It was while we were at the farm before and sharing the bed.

A relieved smile graces the bards face and she nudges her mare to move forward. It was easier telling her friend than she had thought. After about 3 paces she realizes that Xena isn't with her. Gabrielle turns to see Xena clutching her side and turning red from suppressed laughter. As blue eyes meet green, the Warrior Princess bursts out into a fit of giggles, almost falling off Argo.

GABRIELLE:
     Did I say something funny?

CUT TO

APHRODITE:
     I changed my mind; there is no way I am staying here.

The Goddess of Love turns to leave and Ares grabs her wrist. In the background the old farm can be seen with a perfect sunset behind the house.

ARES:
     Deal's been made; bet is on. Can't back out on me now. What would people think? The Goddess of Love with no stamina. (grins maliciously)

Aphrodite looking at Ares

The grin is soon wiped off his face as Aphrodite hits him. With a toss of her blond curls and a wave of her hand she stands there in an outfit fit for a farm girl but still very Aphrodite. The Goddess of Love is left standing there in baby pink shorts and a bra. Little sandals adorn her feet. The outfit is covered in darker pink spots.

ARES:
     Always the fashionable one, I'm sure the chickens are going to be suitably impressed.

APHRODITE:
     I'm taking on the role completely. Mind, body and fashion.

ARES:
     Glad to see you're dedicated. (smirks) Come on, Horace.

Horace and Ares make their way towards the house as Aphrodite rolls her eyes and skips to catch up.

Pan back to see farm, house, hills and three small figures.

CUT TO

View of the whole living room, slowly closing in on a figure in the corner. Greba hears voices coming from outside. She claps a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide, obviously trying to stifle a scream. She fails.

GREBA:
     Ahhhhhhhhh! Get away. Get away!

She screams loud enough that Thrace and Sparta can probably hear her. Horace starts whimpering and Ares and Aphrodite exchange startled looks. They stand at the door for a moment. Greba then comes running out of the house with a frying pan in her left hand and runs straight into Aphrodite. The two women tumble onto the porch and Ares bursts out laughing.

Ares laughing

Greba untangles herself from the Goddess of Love and then notices Ares.

Greba

GREBA (smiles seductively; well she attempts to):
     I'm so sorry to barge in like this. It's just this band of evil men burnt down my barn and have taken over my house. I was worried that you were them. You know, a young widow like me all alone out here. I'm very vulnerable; they might want to violate me.

ARES (looks unimpressed at the prospect of spending the night with Greba):
     You were planning on fighting them off with a frying pan?

GREBA:
     It seemed like a good idea at the time.

APHRODITE (looks Greba up and down):
     She ain't no Xena, Bro.

ARES:
     Greba, my sister Aph.....Aphie. Aphie, this is Greba.

APHRODITE (mouths "Aphie?"):
     Oh boy.

GREBA:
     You never told me you had a sister, Aresis.

Ares just smiles and Aphrodite rolls her eyes. Greba turns and heads back into the house. Aphrodite grabs Ares by the arm to stop him.

APHRODITE:
     Aresis? Gee that's original. You weren't using one hundred percent of brainpower when you were a mortal, were you?

ARES:
     Do you ever? (laughs before following Greba)

CUT TO

GABRIELLE:
     Are we there yet?

Xena turns and gives Gabrielle "the look".

GABRIELLE:
     I was just asking.

Argo continues to look unimpressed.

ARGO (neighs irritably; on-screen translation):
     I'm sure I've seen this exact piece of Greece five minutes ago.

GAB'S HORSE (neighs; on-screen translation):
     Neigh.

XENA:
     We'll be there soon, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE:
     But it's getting dark.

XENA:
     So? You all of a sudden afraid of the dark?

GABRIELLE:
     No, I'm just cold and tired.

XENA (under her breath):
     Gee what a surprise.

GABRIELLE:
     What was that you said, Xena?

XENA (changing the subject):
     There's Ares' old farm.

Xena points to the small farm in the distance. They start into a gallop.

CUT TO

Greba hears the horse hooves on the hard ground before Ares and Aphrodite. She grabs the frying pan and clings onto Ares for dear life. Aphrodite stifles a laugh. Ares tries in vain to detach Greba from his body. A loud bang is heard as thunder interrupts and rain unexpectedly starts pelting down.

A very wet and tired Gabrielle and Xena burst through the door and are shocked to see Ares, Greba and Aphrodite.

Xena speechless

XENA (gives Greba "the look"):
     What the...?

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE