ACT FOUR

FADE IN

The morning sun is slowly rising and a rooster crows in the background. Ares forms a ball of energy and throws it out the window. A loud thud is heard. Aphrodite, Xena, Gabrielle and Ares all lay wide awake. Greba is loudly snoring. They had to stop Aphrodite from smothering her twice during the night. Horace looks up at the group miserably from the floor that was his bed.

APHRODITE:
     I vote we let the thugs have her. After five minutes in the same room they'll send her back or kill her. Either way we win right?

XENA:
     It would go against all the good I've done.

ARES (girly voice):
     Oh no you couldn't do that, could you? Righting wrongs is your life, yadda, yadda, yadda.

GABRIELLE:
     Will someone please kick her and wake her up?

ARES:
     Been trying all night.

Greba stirs suddenly. Her eyes open and she sits up. She stretches luxuriously, Ares ducks to avoid her fist hitting his jaw.

GREBA:
     I had a wonderful night! Are we going to get the bad guys now?

Ares, Xena, Aphrodite, and Gabrielle groan and Horace whimpers.

CUT TO

Ares and Xena are hiding between a large bush a few meters from Greba's cottage. Aphrodite, Gabrielle and Greba are behind a fence just a little farther than Xena and Ares. After ten minutes of waiting and no action Ares and Xena get bored and walk into the house.

The group of men jump up from their positions on the floor grabbing their weapons on the way.

XENA:
     This is going to be fun.

ARES:
     Always fun fighting with you. You know, it's the next best thing to--

XENA:
     Ares!

A small fight breaks out. One man comes for Xena and she knocks him flat on his bottom with a kick to his midsection. Two try to take Ares. After a small sword fight he sends them flying into the wall. More swords clash, one fights with a staff and Xena quickly takes him out with her chakram. In the end Xena and Ares are triumphant. Only two thugs are left conscious and standing--Abderus and his brother.

ABDERUS (shocked):
     Who are you?

ARES:
     Who are you?

ABDERUS:
     I asked first.

ARES:
     I'm holding the sword.

ABDERUS:
     Good point. My name is Abderus. I'm the head of Discord's band of...

ARES (sarcastic):
     Merry men?

THUG #1:
     Hey that sounds good. Why didn't we think of that?

XENA:
     You're what's left of Discord's bondage boys?

ABDERUS:
     Yes, we serve my Goddess.

XENA:
     Did you miss the memo, there isn't much left of your Goddess.

THUG #1 (confused):
     What?

APHRODITE (walks up behind Ares):
     She's kinda lost her head.

ABDERUS:
     When exactly did this happen?

ARES:
     Twilight of the Gods mean anything to you?

ABDERUS:
     Huh?

XENA:
     You guys don't follow the news much, do you?

THUG #1:
     Discord's dead? We can go home to Mamma then. (breaks out into a smile)

XENA and ARES:
     Mamma?

XENA:
     Go on, get out.

ARES:
     Don't cause anymore trouble. (close up of Ares; stops and thinks about what he said) I've got to stop hanging around with you.

CUT TO

Outside Ares' old house. Greba is hanging around like a bad smell and Aphrodite and Ares are ready to go.

GABRIELLE:
     So who ended up winning the bet?

XENA:
     Neither of them.

APHRODITE and ARES:
     What?

XENA (to Aphrodite):
     You blew it with the changing of outfits.

ARES (dirty look):
     When did I blow it?

XENA:
     You blew it this morning. (points to a pile of feathers on the ground) Not a big fan of the chicken family, are you?

ARES:
     That is not fair.

XENA:
     All's fair in love and war, Ares.

ARES:
     That was original, think it up all by yourself?

XENA:
     Well if you feel that way, no goodbye kiss. (turns and walks back into the house)

ARES:
     That was mean! (disappears in a shower of sparkles)

APHRODITE:
     It's been interesting, Gabrielle, really interesting.

GABRIELLE:
     That's for sure.

XENA (from inside the house):
     Yik!

APHRODITE:
     I think it's safe to say my brother's hand moved again.

GABRIELLE:
     I might stay out here for a while. I really don't want to be reduced to a pile of ashes.

APHRODITE:
     Tootles babe, it's been real. You'll forgive me if I don't do this every year, right? (she disappears in a shower of pink sparkles)

GREBA:
     Yoo-ho, Gabby. Can I borrow a cup of sugar, after all that's what neighbors do?

GABRIELLE:
     I'm in hell.

CUT TO

A large room is glowing white. Aphrodite appears in the main Throne room on Olympus.

APHRODITE:
     In the name of me! It smells like lemon scent up here. (delicately holds her nose)

Ares appears next to her, a smug grin adoring his features. It soon disappears as the scent invades his nostrils.

ARES (deadpan):
     The foul smell of cleaning products, my, my Aunt Hestia has been busy.

APHRODITE (muttering to herself):
     I hate lemon; it's worse than the pine tree one.

ARES:
     It smells like a hospice in here.

APHRODITE (all of a sudden gets a strange look):
     I'm gonna throw up.

The Goddess of Love disappears in a shower of pink.

ARES (mutters):
     Thanks for sharing.

Ares looks around for a moment before sighing and also disappearing.

CUT TO

The Halls of War are sparkling clean and completely white.

ARES:
     Aunt Hestia!!!

FADE OUT

THE END

[Much to Ares' relief, Gabrielle kept her hands to herself during the production of this motion picture. Although the chickens did continue to haunt him for the next week. Unfortunately, Argo is still unimpressed.]

Xena: Warrior Princess Shipper Seasons Season 7 Episode 4 Five In the Bed and the Little One Said... Story By: Tali Written By: Tali Collage By: Aurora Images Gathered By: Aurora Cast Xena Lucy Lawless Gabrielle Renee O'Connor Ares Kevin Smith Aphrodite Alexandra Tydings Abderus Mark Montgomery Thug #1 Daniel Kirby Hestia Melina Peterson Original Airdate October 20, 2001 Much to Ares' relief, Gabrielle kept her hands to herself during the production of this motion picture. Although the chickens did continue to haunt him for the next week. Unfortunately, Argo is still unimpressed. DEDICATED TO KEVIN SMITH All characters and storylines that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess are a copyright and trademark of Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement was intended during the writing of this script. All original characters and storylines are a copyright of the respective authors and of the Shipper Seasons. No script may be reproduced on a website elsewhere without the author's consent. © Shipper Seasons www.shipperseasons.com

This script is provided by GDev Resources.